Glossary¶

Notes¶

Capitalization

Words below will be capitalized, or not, according to their common usage.

Opinions

The below list is very opinionated. I think that’s a good thing.

All the below definitions are for my own personal use of them, and others may have differing opinions. Any definition is fine as long as agreed on by all parties, as words are just meant to convey ideas, and it’s the ideas that matter more than the terms. These usages are common, but not necessarily ‘better’ than other usages.

Definitions¶

aftercare¶

The soft snuggles that a submissive is entitled to after a scene](#scene). (Or whatever the sub needs once the scene is done to feel safe.)

bottom¶

Someone who likes to be the recipient of a scene. They enjoy the kinky sex, but may or may not also be submissive.

brat¶

Opinions differ strongly on the meaning of this word. But in this book, I use the term to mean someone who willfully behaves badly to provoke a physical scene such as a spanking or getting slapped, instead of negotiating or expressing that they would like spanked and/or slapped. I do not define a submissive who is sassy, spunky, or a mischievous little shit, as a ‘brat’, that’s still just a submissive with a fun personality. See the chapter on brats for more details.

CNC¶

‘Consensual non-consent’ is when you like to roleplay as if a scene were actually non-consensual. You may negotiate that words like ‘stop’ should be ignored, but words like ‘safeword’ should still end the scene. (There should always be a safeword!)

DM¶

Acronym of “Dungeon Monitor”. Someone who works for the venue or otherwise has the responsibility for overseeing scenes at a public venue to make sure consent and safety is respected.

dominant¶

Someone who likes to train and protect submissives. Someone willing to dedicate their life to that goal. One is willing to spend their life learning how to take care of submissives and keep them healthy and happy.

gaslighting¶

This term is misused a lot online. Let’s keep to the textbook definition, please.

Using phrases like “You’re crazy” or claiming that things didn’t happen when they did happen, leading one to question what’s real and what’s not. If someone calls you crazy for suspecting they are cheating on you, then they are cheating on you. Sorry.

hard dom¶

A label used by people on the internet for assholes who like to shout, curse, and generally be abusive dicks.

House¶

The home and submissives of a dominant who is practicing a 24/7 D/s environment. See household for more information.

Ma’am/ma’am¶

When capitalized, this refers to one’s female-identified Owner. (Can be used interchangeably.) When used lowercase, refers to a female dominant.

munch¶

A no-pressure social gathering of kinky folks in a public space. This is an event for socializing, and the munching of food (hence the name). It is not a play party nor a venue for kinky things to be done.

Old Guard¶

The label has been applied after the fact to a specific early era of kink in San Francisco. (No one at the time went by this title.)

If someone is using the term ‘Old Guard’ to convey the idea that there is only “one true way” to do something, they are an asshole and you should ignore them.

Owner/owners¶

A gender-neutral term for the person that a submissive has chosen to commit to. Very frequently in a live-in, 24/7 relationship. I like to capitalize this word.

play¶

We are tired of folks calling us dangerous deviants, or worse. And as such don’t attach words like ‘dirty’ or ‘naughty’ or anything like that to our activities. We are adults, playing. We use the word ‘play’ for everything from a gentle spanking or flogging, right up to the sexiest group sex and gangbangs you can imagine. It’s ‘play’. And we will always call it that here.

Keep this in mind when you start your understanding of kinky culture. We are a people who by and large said “Fuck that” to sexual shame. We tied up shame and tossed it in the closet.

power play¶

This is a form of play that tends to involve a lot of wrestling or physical dominance to see who ‘ends up on top’. Usually with the ‘loser’ getting pinned down and fucked roughly. It can be a lot of fun for bottoms who want to put up a struggle before getting fucked, or for tops who want to ‘earn’ the fucking of the bottom by physically overpowering them. 🔥

primal play¶

This is a form of play where the participants tend to revert to their more ‘primal’ selves and the sex tends to involve a lot of scratching, biting, clawing and generally going at it like crazed weasels. (Also: one of the author’s favorite forms of play.)

For example, my sub knows that biting my throat will get them tackled, pinned down, and very roughly used. This is an established rule for them, and they use it to their advantage often.

RACK¶

Acronym of “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. Came about after the decriminalization of BDSM rendered the term SSC unnecessary. This term represents a change in focus from the efforts of normalization of BDSM, to better describing and accepting the inherent risks in the types of scenes we have and focusing on informed consent, not just consent.

safeword¶

The concept is that you have a specific word you can use during a scene that you use when you need it to end. The traditional safe word is literally “safeword” and anyone calling that out should be assumed to be calling for the end of the scene. (If their partner doesn’t stop immediately, then DMs or others are expected to step in.)

Additionally, it’s often good to allow for the two stoplight colors “red”, equivalent to a safeword, and “yellow”, which means “Don’t stop, but please slow down”.

scene¶

A scene is a negotiated unit of BDSM ‘play’. Begins with negotiation, continues with play, and ends in aftercare. The one providing the scene is the top, and the one receiving it is the bottom.

service¶

Doing something to make someone else’s life better.

See the whole section on service.

service top¶

Someone who likes to provide floggings, spankings, etc (scenes of any kind really) for people who enjoy them. they enjoy that the bottom enjoys the scene and do it for the benefit of the bottom.

Sir/sir¶

When capitalized, this refers to one’s male-identified Owner. (Can be used interchangeably.) When lower-case, refers to a male dominant. It can be used lower case or as a plural to refer to all owners.

sister sub¶

Another sub who serves the same dominant, of any gender. The term implies the closeness that two subs with the same Owner will naturally come to feel for each other. (For a more recent gender-neutral term, see ‘subling’)

soft dom¶

A term used on the Internet for service tops by people who mistake tops for doms.

SSC¶

Acronym of “Safe, Sane & Consensual”. The first buzzword we came up with to help with efforts at decriminalizing BDSM. The focus of this movement was to push back against the DSM which called us all insane. (Hence the emphasis on the ‘sane’ part of the term.)

After the revision of the DSM was achieved, and ‘sane’ was no longer in debate, people started to question “What does ‘safe’ really mean? Is anything really safe?” This is a good question, as everything we humans do carries some risk. People die crossing the street every day. And so the term fell out of favor and was replaced with RACK.

subling¶

A more recent gender-neutral term for another sub who serves the same dominant, of any gender. The term implies the closeness that two subs with the same Owner will naturally come to feel for each other. Replaces the older term sister sub

submissive¶

Someone who seeks to make the world a better place via service to others.

switch¶

A term that is quite popular but sadly also lacks a good definition. Usually used by folks who think there are only two things to be (dominant and submissive) when there are in fact a great many things you can be, and you can be any combination of them.

I tend to discourage the use of this word, as it reinforces the false idea that doms are all tops, and subs are all bottoms.

top¶

Someone who likes to provide fun scenes for people. Who enjoys spanking or flogging or tying people up, or providing any other kind of kinky scene, for their own enjoyment.

vanilla¶

‘Normal’ society. They’re not bad people, just a bit boring…

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