Thoughts of an OG Kinkster¶
Hello, or, the Preface¶
Hello dear reader. Let me thank you, in advance, for your time and your thoughts.
Back in the early 90s, I had the luck to discover and become a member of the San Francisco BDSM community. At the time we didn’t really have a name for ourselves, but these days this era is often referred to as ‘the Old Guard’. Almost all of us are gone now. Between age and AIDS, there are at most 1-2% of us left. And while we were in many ways the origin story for online kink in the USA and worldwide, almost none of our culture got written down. We were a pre-Internet counter-culture and you’ll find very little recorded, and almost none of it online. Pics of leather men are sexy to look at, but they only capture what we looked like, not what we believed or why we did what we did. Sadly, these days, those photos are almost all that’s left of us, and that was such a tiny part of who we were.
Increasingly these last years I’ve wondered and worried. So much of the culture I was a part of is now gone, and so few are left. Sometimes, I feel like the last actor on stage and look around to see where everyone’s gone and wonder when they left. Somehow I didn’t notice. I try to write what I can, to teach what I can, before I too am gone. And I feel at times that I’m screaming into a void, “Remember US!” And most days, I don’t feel like the void is listening, but I try anyway. Some days it feels like the party ended and I’m being a fool trying to hold onto it and I should just retire from it all. Turn out the lights on my way out and let us be remembered, poorly, or not at all. And now it seems that the world is spiraling out of control with war, climate change, and the rise of autocrats: I wonder if it even matters.1 So what’s one kink tradition that flared up because of an unlikely mix of hippies and veterans and free love culture and service culture, hitting a critical fusion all at once?
But even so, before the last of us leave living memory, I wanted to write down what I remember, and what I experienced. In hopes that maybe some of it will interest, educate, or inspire, those who follow and don’t really know us. For future generations of freaks, sluts, kinky fuckers, and anyone who would spit in the eye of mainstream puritanical culture, do with it what you will.
What is this book, and why does it exist?¶
Welcome to my ever-growing guide on my thoughts on D/s relationships and on what the ‘Leather’ culture was. Or at least, what it was to me.
This is a project that was born out of some friends encouraging me to write down what I know. Because as my culture dies out, there are fewer and fewer of us left to tell our story. And I happen to think our culture is worth remembering. So, here we are.
At first, I envisioned this as a guide for the specifics of a D/s relationship, in the nuts and bolts of how to have a successful one in the ‘traditional’ way I was raised. But as I wrote this, it evolved, becoming more of a manual for “Being a good dom to your sub” as we would perceive it. Because if you are a good dom, and I hope you will be, then you’ll raise good subs. And you’ll have healthy, happy relationships that satisfy you both. And then it’s the perfect win/win scenario that I wish for you and your sub.
Who are you?¶
I don’t put my name down, because I don’t believe it matters here. You can read about my journey if you like, but it isn’t required to understand this book.
I’m not hiding who I am, so much as saying that I want you, the reader, to focus on the message, and not the messenger. Think about this book without concern for who I am, and let the ideas within speak to you, or not, based on their own merit. This is a book of ideas, and who I am should hold no bearing on it.
But for the curious among you, I was born close to San Francisco, CA, USA at a time when the BDSM culture of the area was still very private. It was before anyone outside of computer folks had heard of the Internet. I was lucky to be born in the right place, and at the right time, to be a part of what was a vibrant and rich culture of kink that welcomed me in, despite my differences. Most of us are gone now, to disease or age. And so I write down what I know, and what I remember. That it might, maybe, be of value to you, as this culture was of value to me.
And if you really want, you can find me on Discord.
Disclaimer: Personal opinions¶
Everything contained within this is my own personal recollections and opinions. Nothing in here should be considered ‘gospel’ or the ‘one true way’. I believe that the OG kink culture was a great thing, and that’s why I’m trying to keep it alive. I do not believe it is the only correct way to live one’s life, or that it is perfect. Like all people throughout time, we got some things right, and some things wrong. I hope you’ll read this and take from it what resonates with you, that it may enhance your life and your kink.
Disclaimer: Not a monoculture¶
Everything within is based on my own personal practices as a surviving member of a once-vibrant culture. Like all cultures, we were made up of many individual voices, and opinions. No two of us did the exact same things. Other folks who were around at the time might have vastly different experiences and beliefs. Those are equally valid to my own.
Gender role stereotypes are terrible¶
Gender roles are such unadulterated bullshit. No one should be concerned that their genitals say what they must be or cannot do.
Women can make really amazing doms and sadists. Don’t imagine that all women need to be subby, they don’t. I have female sadist friends who are very much the real deal.
Men can make amazing submissives. When you think of a male submissive, we shouldn’t picture some weak man, but instead, reach for images of strong men who’ve chosen to give themselves over to service. A lot of men suffer under the stigma of being told they are not allowed to be submissive and must pretend to be a dominant or ‘switch’.
On the other hand, if you do end up accidentally conforming to a typical gender role, that’s not wrong either. It’s okay to be a male dominant. It’s okay to be a female submissive. It’s okay to be whatever you are. Just make sure you’re picking what you really want to be in your heart, and not because of what anyone else tried to tell you to be.
A word on motivation¶
This is mostly for would-be dominants: Please make sure you’re getting into this for the ‘right reasons’. Don’t fall into the stereotype of abuse as payback for the misdeeds of others. (If you’ve had the fortune to never cross paths with an abuser who feels that the title ‘dominant’ justifies their bullshit, consider yourself lucky.)
When one is wronged by someone or several someones, it can be natural to want some revenge. Against them directly, or as they are likely unavailable for direct payback, often against people who look like them in some way. Please don’t do this. Bottoms may enjoy being smacked and submissives may enjoy being told what to do, but they don’t enjoy or deserve, your abuse. Please take your anger, find yourself a good therapist, and work through that. Once you’re done, come on back if you’re still interested in exploring kink in a safe and consensual way.
Find us online¶
Next: Read about the care and feeding of submissives
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In such dark times, those who are sexually different are in the first groups against the wall. Remember, the Nazis rounded up and exterminated the trans and gay folks as well. ↩