The difficult word: ‘Brat’¶
Strong Opinions Here
Of all the things I’ve written, and all the opinions I hold, my views on the word ‘brat’ and the several different and conflicting definitions it has, are by far the opinions I most often get attacked for. I get flamed and called the most vile things. Words are put in my mouth that I never said and never believed, to justify hating me and calling me names. All because of the opinions below.
So if this chapter offends you, feel free to ignore it.
I often get told that as an author and educator, I am not allowed to have opinions. Or that my opinions must fit into a very narrow definition of acceptable. However, I feel like as a human with a history and feelings, I am entitled to have opinions. I am entitled to think some activities, such as not negotiating, or not having safewords, are dangerous.
If you hate me for having these opinions, then there’s little I can say or do that’ll change your mind.
Bottoming vs. Submission
Brat refers to a kind of bottom, not a kind of submissive.
I try to make clear in this guide that being submissive (service) is very different from being a bottom (physical/sexual), and while you can be both, you don’t need to. Brats are looking for a physical scene, which is bottoming, not to perform service, which is submission. It’s good to help people keep the definitions clear.
Is someone whom ___¶
Different folks mean different things with the term ‘brat’, so let’s break it down a bit. Because my opinion on them is wildly different depending on which group of people you’re referring to.
…is a sassy submissive¶
Found on Fetlife…
“A lot of d-types use the word brat, when what they really mean is an s-type that is funnier than them
I’ve seen several subs look ill at being called ‘brat’ without their consent because they were sassy. I’ve also had a fair number explain that because they were sassy, they were self-identifying as a ‘brat’.
Sassy and intelligent ≠ ‘bratty’!
There seems to be a belief in many spaces that ‘submissive’ means one must be docile, even timid, and doesn’t stand up for themselves or be witty or funny.
Of the many subs who have talked to me about how online ‘brat’ culture was uncomfortable/traumatic to them, one reoccurring thing they mentioned is that if they acted at all sassy, sarcastic, or witty, they got labeled as ‘brats’ without their consent. This seems to imply that anything short of a complete doormat is a ‘brat’, which is a notion that I definitely disagree with. My own subs are typically very sarcastic, and very witty, make terrible puns, and have fun with fulfilling my orders to the letter and not the intent at times. And I think it’s cute. I think the witty behavior of an intelligent sub is a lot of fun. But it’s not ‘bratty’, and I will always just kiss them on the forehead to make my life interesting.
There’s also a quote I found online once that “Some D-types like to label all s-types who are funnier than them ‘brats’.”
Stop it. Accept them, and revel in their wit and puns. Stop trying to push sassy submissives out of using the label ‘submissive’.
I think sassy subs are awesome. Most of the subs I’ve personally owned have been very sassy and I loved them with all my heart. I don’t believe they need a special label because all submissives are allowed to have a personality. You don’t have to brand them as ‘brats’ just to green-light being sassy. (It’s just their personality, not a specific kink or type of relationship dynamic.)
So please, stop labeling every sub with a witty sense of humor, or intelligent retort a ‘brat’. Many of them really hate it. Ask if they want to be called a specific label before you use that label on them.
…is doing what is needed to get attention¶
This is traumatizing to many submissives!
Some folks think you have to be a brat to get attention. (See Funishments.) This isn’t the case in OG. We shower submissives with attention, and affection if they desire it, just for being good subs. We take note of them, tell them that they are good, pet their heads and love them (after getting consent to touch them), and let them know how good they are. All without any need to act up to get attention.
A lot of submissives I know have had a lot of negative experiences online because of the meme that being obnoxious is required to get attention. They will try to be good and want to help and serve, as all submissives do, and get ignored cold for it. They get told over and over that only if they cause problems will anyone pay attention to them, which makes them very conflicted because they want to make people happy, not make them angry. So they either get ignored and neglected, or they force themselves to do things they don’t want to do, just to get a tiny bit of attention.
For them, when they finally find OG where they get rewarded for just being a good submissive, they finally feel free and it’s a huge relief for them.
…wants non-negotiated violence¶
Some folks are just outright condescending or abusive to dominants. Doing that without consent is just as wrong as doing it to a sub without consent. If done with consent, well, I hope you both enjoy it, but it’s not OG.
(See non-negotiated violence for more.)
…enjoys provoking their partner¶
Some folks really like provoking their partner, and for those, we’d like to introduce the concept of “power play” or “primal play”.
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