Consent and Negotiations¶

It’s super sexy¶

Just to be clear, I think consent is hot as fuck… There’s nothing that gets me worked up more than a little happy sub begging me to use them, or to please, please, please cum in them, or just to let them make me a coffee.

To this end, I love the negotiated consent structure of kink and D/s relationships. (If you think subs have no right to say ‘no’ or to safeword, then I think you’re a crappy “Dom” and need to go to therapy instead of Owning people.)

How to start off¶

When you’re just starting your relationship with a new submissive, go slow and ease into it. Negotiate all scenes like you would any new sub. Just because you’re dating them, or planning to date them, doesn’t give you any extra liberties. So take your time and negotiate everything. (List of suggested ‘relationship stuff’ to negotiate..)

When you’re hot and heavy, and having a lot of fun, or when you’re in subspace and everything feels fantastic, is not the time to add something new to the scene/relationship. If you get an idea for something new, but it isn’t something negotiated, remember it for later negotiation. Then, after the scene is over, and everyone’s back to their baseline emotional state, bring up a conversation about the idea and see if it’s something you’d want to try later on.

This is because when you’re in the middle of the scene, you’re likely not really in the right headspace to mull over how you might feel about this new thing. So it’s best to wait to discuss it, and then, if both parties agree, include it next time you play.

For tops, this can take the form of being in top-space and thinking you’re on top of the world, and now’s a great time to try something you just thought of but didn’t think to ask about during the negotiation. (Or if you’re an asshole, you use to take advantage of a sub’s pliable demeanor while they are in sub-space…) Asking a sub in space to consent to something should be considered the equivalent of asking an intoxicated person to consent. They are effectively intoxicated on the endorphins and bottoming.

For subs, you’re likely high as a kite on endorphins and enjoying the scene and you are not in your right mind. If the top asks you now to do something new, that’s a bit of a red flag, and you should try to say no. And if you mistakenly say yes, you should definitely call them on it after the fact and discuss how that was a bad time to ask you. (And honestly, it’s a huge red flag and you may want to consider not playing with them ever again.)

When you’re at a club negotiating with a bottom you may or may not know, the consent negotiations usually have a very formalized feel and of course, happen before you touch the bottom at all. (Because all physical contact requires negotiated consent.)

Sometimes in an established relationship, I find it’s smoother to work the consent negotiation into a more conversational style. Such as asking “Hey, would you be interested in …” over dinner. Make it a chill little conversation about adding something new to the mix. And I think either party should feel free to bring up things they’d like to add, or remove, from the various negotiated consents your relationship is operating under. Like if the sub wants to try something new, it could be fun to wait until the dom takes a drink and ask them “Hey, what would you think about me getting hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group?” (Bonus points if you make the Dom choke on their drink.)

Intoxicants¶

Ok, this is a bit of an edgy situation. Negotiations should never be undertaken if any member is under the influence of any intoxicant. As soon as you’re in an altered state, be it from intoxicants, sub/top space, or just lack of sleep, you’re no longer fit to negotiate.

Some people, like your author, will not play with anyone under any circumstance once I’ve even touched a bottle. I don’t think it’s safe or wise for a top to ever be intoxicated in any way at all.

But, some bottoms like to play (not negotiate) while under the influence. Such as a bottom might really want to do a CNC scene where they have had a couple hits of pot first. Or while asleep. This can be okay if the negotiations are done while sober and very, very clear guidelines are laid out for what should be done once the bottom is in an altered state. (The author once had a partner who would often say “Wait, give me 20 mins to pass out, then fuck me and cum in me in my sleep.” And so I waited like they asked me to.) Alternatively, a top may give their bottom consent to wake them up with a blowjob.

Don’t push, unless asked to¶

It’s not the role of the dominant to try to push any boundaries or limits. You are there to respect and enjoy your partner within the limits that you two have negotiated. Don’t be pushing boundaries just to do so. That’s not a dominant, that’s a red flag.

If the sub wants one of their boundaries or limits to be moved, let them bring it up. For example: if they have a limit based on some past trauma, and they decide of their own accord that they would like to overcome that trauma and be able to do whatever it is again, let them broach the topic. Then sit down and negotiate how to carefully and slowly work in this new thing that the submissive is asking for in your relationship.

‘soft limits’¶

There’s a bit of a vocabulary issue with the term ‘soft limit’. Personally, I treat all limits, ‘soft’ or otherwise, as places you do not go under any circumstance. But for some bottoms, they will describe something as a ‘soft limit’ as a means of letting the top know they’d like to see it pushed a bit. If, as a top, you want to play with this ‘soft limit’, include this in your negotiation and make sure you understand exactly how much and in what circumstances the bottom wants you to push this limit. (And be very, very careful, as there is usually a hard limit close by.)

Limits can vary with the situation¶

A lot of limits and negotiation can be situational. A bottom can absolutely have different limits with someone they have been playing with for years, vs. someone they just met at the club one night. Don’t feel that as a bottom you need to give every top the same consents. Or maybe the limits are different for what a top or bottom is willing to do in public vs. at a club vs. in a private residence. Or the phase of the moon. Or if someone is on their period. Or if they are in a strange town. Whatever you want, can be a valid determining factor for the limits being different from scene to scene, or day to day.

Once you’re in an established relationship¶

However, if you’ve been together for a few years, it may not be practical to ask “May I kiss you on the forehead” before every kiss when you’ve made it a morning ritual and this is your one-thousandth kiss. (Good on you for kissing them so much though, I’m sure it makes them feel very loved.)

My strategy to ensure consent is that when you’re doing stuff for the first time, negotiate it as you would any new thing. But then afterward, after the aftercare and everyone’s back to baseline emotional states, ask if that’s something they’d like to do regularly. Ask for their consent to make it a regular part of your relationship. Ask them if they’d like it done a little differently next time. Ask them if you should ask each time before doing it, or if they wish to give a blanket, but revokable, consent. Essentially you’re asking if you can stop asking.

Changes over time¶

Even if is the 10,000th time you’ve done something together, maybe it’s different somehow this time. Maybe the sub isn’t feeling it because they are depressed or they are injured or simply don’t want to do whatever it is anymore. The sub has the right, and the responsibility, to communicate this. Either in advance, or by calling ‘safeword’ at any point, and on any activity.

Consent can and should be revoked if an activity is no longer bringing pleasure to both participants.

Afterward, once everyone is back to their baseline mental state, you should both sit down and talk about why the safeword was called, and if any limits need to be changed, added to; or if this was a one-time fluke and no limits need to be changed. And adapt your consents as needed to accommodate the new thing if needed.

Define what a safeword means in advance¶

What exactly the top should do when a safeword is called is good to negotiate in advance. Maybe they should stop entirely. Or maybe if it’s something like a needle scene there may be practical details like “we can pause, but I do need to take the needles out still”, or maybe some 3^rd party such as the bottom’s partner should be called to provide aftercare instead of the top. Anything is possible. So negotiate and make sure you are both on the same page of what it means to ‘safeword’ a scene.

Stoplight colors¶

Some folks like to employ a more nuanced set of ‘safewords’, such as ‘red’, ‘yellow’, and ‘green’, the colors of stoplights. Or heck, maybe you like to use different names of fruits. But it’s not unusual to have two or more levels of safewords. One might mean ‘slow down’ or ‘do something different’, and another might mean ‘stop, now!’. Whatever it is is ok, as long as all parties in the scene know in advance what each color means and recognize it when it’s called.

Just make sure to discuss in your negotiations if you want to use such a system.

Freeze and Fawn¶

In school most of us learn about the ‘Fight or Flight’ reactions that our brains have to conflict. But in s-types, there’s often another couple of reactions that happen: Freeze and Fawn. Because of how their brains are wired, they will either shut down and become very passive, or they will ‘go along with’ whatever is being done to them. This can be super dangerous, both for the submissive, and for anyone playing with them.

Freeze¶

The freeze response can occur when a person feels physically or emotionally overwhelmed, and they “shut down” or dissociate from the situation. This can occur in a scene that might be pushing the sub’s boundaries a little, even if they asked for such a scene. Or it can happen randomly based on old trauma and memories coming up. Or it could just be from their innate desire to make people happy and not want to object to something that someone else seems to be enjoying.

It can manifest as a submissive just laying there and allowing something to happen. They may not be actively objecting, but they are also not enthusiastically consenting and the scene should stop. A person experiencing the freeze response may appear motionless, unresponsive, or withdrawn, or just quieter than usual. (It can be really hard sometimes in the heat of a moment to notice when this has occurred.) It’s crucial for their partner to be attuned to these signs and to have clear communication about consent and limits to ensure emotional and physical safety. So listen for the happy squeaks and little sexy squeals/grunts that your partner should be making and stop and check in immediately if they are absent.

Fawn¶

The fawn response, on the other paw, is about a s-type attempting to appease or please others in order to avoid conflict. A sub might drop into the fawn response if they feel a need to comply with someone’s desires, even if it doesn’t align with their own comfort or consent. The sub wants everyone to be happy and will look like they are enjoying themselves, even if they are internally freaking the fuck out. They can be all giggles, but inside they are screaming “Save me!”

As an Owner¶

Keep in mind that the above Freeze and Fawn reactions can occur both in scenes with their dominant, as well as in their everyday life. If someone puts their arm around or on your submissive, they might lean into it, and seem to enjoy it. But that could just be a fawning reaction and they might secretly be crying out for you to save them.

Because of this, I suggest three things:

Always have a good idea in advance of how much your partner likes to be touched by others. Do they generally love when a stranger or random friend places a hand on them, or touches them more intimately. Or do they genuinely only want to be touched by you. Do they love to be loaned out like a little free-use slut, or are they afraid of others and only feel safe with you? If the action is outside of what they’ve previously said they enjoy, interrupt it. (You can always allow it to happen later if you’re overcompensating.)
Work out a secret gesture that your sub and you know that means “Save me! Say no for me!” that they can use in any situation to have you step in and say ‘No’ on their behalf. They may be unable to say no for themselves, but they can follow orders. So order them to scratch their nose, or twirl their earring, or whatever it is you’ve established, as a means of signaling for you.
When you’re doing a scene, check in lots. The first dozen or so times you do a specific scene, it’s appropriate to check in every few minutes. And especially if it’s a scene the sub requested to help the sub push a limit that they asked you to help them with. “Still green?” “How comfortable on a scale of 1-10?”. (Remember: Asking for enjoyment gets you a more honest answer than asking for permission…) Sure, after you’ve done a specific scene a hundred times, this will be less of a thing, but start off asking questions of your sub constantly.

As their Owner, their safety is your first and most important responsibility. If their consent is violated, and you allowed it to happen, that’s on you. If they couldn’t speak up for themselves, it’s not because they are a cheating slut, it’s because they couldn’t. You asking impossible things from them isn’t how you have a successful relationship. So own that you Own them, and it’s your duty to step in to save them when they need you to.

Breakups¶

Breakups suck. Oh boy, they suck. Even more so in the deep emotional state of a D/s relationship. Now imagine you also live together and you are basically at the emotional load of a divorce. It’s heavy, I get that.

Since D/s relationships can, and indeed often do, have a difference in the power of the relationship, there’s a good chance that the apartment/house you share may be in the dominant’s name. Putting your now-ex-submissive out on the street with no support, after you’ve supported them for years, is a dick move. So even though you’re in your own hell over the breakup doms, it’s on you to also make sure that your sub gets a stable landing to move on with their life.

In my own life, I had a submissive who, over time, lost interest in D/s as a relationship style and wanted to go to a more vanilla relationship with a side of occasional bottoming. This wasn’t what I wanted. So we broke up. As the house was in my name alone, since I’d bought it before we were married, and they wouldn’t have been able to pay the mortgage anyhow, I gave them the money they needed to make a deposit and the first 2 months on an apartment of their own. I also covered all their moving costs. (I’d encouraged them to have a job, so they had the income to cover the new apartment, just needed help getting there.) In other cases I’ve offered a flight anywhere in the country the sub wanted to go, and safe storage and transport of all their possessions. This is a time to be generous to your ex and make sure they land on their feet.

‘Oops’¶

Ok, now the bad news. No matter how much you discuss in advance, and no matter how hard you try, you will sooner or later violate someone else’s consent, and have your own violated as well.

For example, as someone who is very autistic, I don’t actually like to be touched at all by people I don’t know. And I’ve been hugged more than a few times by well-meaning bottoms who were just trying to show interest or affection and didn’t know that I’d want them to ask first.

Or, on the other side of the coin, I was asked out on a date by someone once, and after agreeing to it, I gave them a light kiss on the cheek. I felt that since they’d asked me out, this small gesture would be okay. It was only after an angry call from their father later that day that I realized they were of a very different culture and hadn’t ever been kissed before. Therefore even this gentle peck on the cheek violated their consent and I felt like crap for it. (And the date was definitely off.)

OK, what now?¶

If you’ve had your consent violated, now it is on you how you handle it. If it isn’t a big thing to you, maybe you just casually say “Please ask next time” or otherwise gently rebuff the person. At the other end of the spectrum, if it was an assault, then report it to the venue if you’re at a public one, and feel free to consider involving law enforcement.

If you’re on the other end of it, definitely start by apologizing clearly and unreservedly. Take the injured party’s interpretation of the situation as true. If there’s any trauma caused, own that you caused it and ask how you can help make it better, if you can at all. If it was an accident, then explain that and why and accept the injured party’s evaluation if this was a small or a big thing to them. And then spend some time doing a lot of soul-searching about how you can alter your actions at future events to avoid this happening again.

Both sides should definitely take into account the magnitude of the transgression, from the other person’s view as well as their own. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to what’s the right thing to do now. Sometimes a simple rebuff will resolve it. Other times, a police report is appropriate. It really varies with intent, scope, etc.

Sometimes, shit just happens¶

Keep in mind that a lot of smaller consent violations can occur through no one’s maliciousness but just a difference in what’s expected as common, such as my cheek kiss and hug examples above. It isn’t always a terrible person, and by being honest and communicating, well-intentioned people can navigate the situation to an appropriate outcome. (Whatever that may look like.)

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