How to be a badass dominant and Owner¶

As I cover in the history of Leather, the role model for a dominant comes from the US military in the WWII and Vietnam eras. The dominants were former officers¹ who carried with them the traditions of their time in command. If you watch military films from that era, you’ll get a good idea of how a dominant was expected to behave. Quiet, well-groomed, well-spoken, commanding respect, polite, speaking with authority.

So let’s see if I can define what we would have considered the ‘ideal dominant’…

Operate from a place of love, and respect¶

Ok, the most fundamental, and most important, criteria I will tell you here, and several other places in this guide is that when a D/s relationship flows from a place of love, it is beautiful. It is empowering. It gives your submissive a sense of freedom and happiness that is like nothing they’ve ever experienced. It must flow from a place of love and respect for your submissive.

When D/s flows from a place of anger, it is terrible and toxic, and it corrupts whatever it touches. If you’re coming into this with ill intentions, from a place of anger, or from a desire for retribution: please, stop. Please put down the crop and work on yourself to find peace within and with yourself and with the world. Then, when you’re in a better place, come back and find the happiness and love that this lifestyle can bring you.

Master Yoda, long ago, far, far away

There is a light side and a dark side.

Be a proper gentleman¶

No gender implied

The term ‘proper gentleman’ is used to convey an ideal of behavior, and not an implication that only men can behave in this fashion. Doms of any and all genders should strive for this model.

I never served in the armed forces. However, I did have a lot of opportunities to hang out with military folks and was consistently impressed by their professionalism. Especially at the officer ranks. But not everyone shares this experience. Some folks, they have a strong negative reaction to the idea of ‘the military’, for personal reasons that may be very justified. If what you’re imagining by a military heritage is a yelling, screaming drill sergeant (who isn’t an officer, btw) then that’s not the image you should have.

Maybe for you, try instead to imagine what you think a ‘proper gentleman’ from the 1800s and early 1900s might have been like. The BBC ‘Downton Abby’ is a good example of this. (And indeed a good example of a D/s lifestyle, with the lord of the house, and all of the staff.) Or an old Japanese household, with the staff quietly and diligently observing and caring for everyone’s needs. It’s indeed very formal and very rigid in its rules of ‘proper behavior’, but not in a hostile or abusive way. Indeed, done properly, 24/7 D/s can be a very healthy, and wholesome, lifestyle.

Here’s a cool little video on one possible modern definition of a ‘proper gentleman’:

(And remember, this applies to folks of all genders, not just ‘men’.)

Have your shit together¶

There are a lot of things that fall into this bucket, and I know it’s kinda a fuzzy goal. Ideally, you live on your own. You can support yourself. You have a job that pays enough that you can pay your own bills. You are not a slob. You’re not going to fling yourself off a bridge tomorrow. You’re generally at peace with yourself and your place in the world. You’re able to speak confidently.

Don’t borrow money from friends¶

You know that one person who’s always broke and trying to borrow money that you know they’ll never be able to pay back and it’s really annoying and they’re always “Hey, can I get $50 until my next payday…” Yeah, don’t be that person. It really screams ‘I do not have my shit together.’

No slut shaming¶

Do not ever make a derogatory comment about another’s kinks or sex. If it isn’t something you’re into, just say that. Do not disrespect others’ sexuality. As long as it involves only consenting, informed, adults, with consent freely and enthusiastically given, it is ok and shall not be shamed. ²

This also means don’t use ‘slut’ as a derogatory word. Being sexually liberated is a good thing, and we need to stop throwing ‘slut’ around as an insult. Be a slut, and be proud of being a slut.

Cherish your sub¶

Your sub, assuming you have one, is your most precious possession. You must cherish them. Understand that the gift they give you is the greatest gift of all. You may demand much from them, but you know how to share with them the happiness that they bring you.

Treat everyone with respect¶

Be polite to other doms: Other doms are your peer group. You should try to learn from them and model yourself after the better ones. Do not get into stupid dick-measuring contests with them. That doesn’t make you better, it just makes you look like an idiot.

Treat subs as equals: Keep in mind always that subs are not lesser people. They are kinky people just like you and me. They may have more experience than you. Just because you’re someone who wants to hold others’ leashes, and they are folks who want their leashes held, does not make them a lesser person than you.

No doormats: Subs are expected to be happy, proud people. Their nature to want to make the lives of others better isn’t a weakness. As such, don’t ever treat them as doormats. Do not walk on them, or put your boots up on them. (Unless it’s a human furniture scene, then feel free. 🤣)

Be in control of yourself¶

You need to be in control of yourself. You can be stern, yet loving, and yet still be in absolute control of yourself. If you make your sub cry, which you may need to do occasionally, then it’s also on you to kiss their tears away.

Have a sense of humor¶

Don’t think you need to be a hardass all the time. Life is absurd at times and you need to be able to laugh at yourself, and at life.

How to approach unowned subs you’re interested in¶

Don’t. Let them come to you. Just look cool and wait for them to very shyly indicate an interest in talking to you. That’s how they will initiate contact for a possible relationship.

You are probably used to a lot of places online where the subs are, let’s face it, hunted. The doms tend to treat subs, especially single ones like a lion treats a very tasty-looking zebra. And the subs tend to react accordingly. They are shy, they are timid, and they generally act like prey because they are treated as prey.

Don’t. Do. That.

Let the submissives come to you.

Dealing with Owned subs¶

An owned submissive is someone else’s most precious possession in the world. Do not try to order them (or ask them to do things for you), have a private conversation with them, or touch them, without their Owner’s consent! If you want to do any of these things, ask the Owner if you can, instead of asking their sub directly. (Public conversation is fine.)

Get some experience¶

I believe that a dominant should have at least 2-3 years of experience hanging out with other, older, dominants and learning from them. Only after this should they consider having a submissive of their own. (Or if one is so inclined, be someone’s submissive for 2-3 years, then switch roles.)

Additionally, a good dominant is always on the lookout for more experienced dominants to learn from. Those with more experience should be role models, and we respect their experience. (Though if they turn out to be toxic, shun them, but politely.) Aspire to be like the more experienced doms you meet, don’t resent them for their knowledge.

‘Hard dom’ is code for ‘asshole’: Don’t be one¶

There’s a bad stereotype out there of ‘hard’ doms (I twitch when people say that) which tells folks that doms are mean. This is bullshit. The best doms, like the best officers, are very soft-spoken and command respect by being professional and respectful. Not by being a bully.

“Hard dom” is just a term used by people on the Internet mistaking an asshole for a dominant. They are not the same thing. If you’re not aware of this toxic stereotype, that’s fine, you can safely skip this section.

Be soft spoken¶

Nobody respects a dom who yells or screams. You shouldn’t raise your voice except in an emergency to prevent harm to someone.

Always be learning¶

I’ve heard so many ‘Internet doms’ who when told about the BDSM classes I teach or the server I run, that there’s nothing they can or need to learn about being dominant. This is a giant red flag. Never trust a dom who thinks that there’s nothing for them to learn.

Use proper terms of address¶

“Sir” or “Ma’am” are the most commonly accepted titles for dominants. Use them.

“Master” was a title once upon a time, but it was handed out only with the approval of several others who had already earned that title. Alas, most of those who would grant that title died out in the HIV epidemic that ravaged San Francisco. As such, I never got the chance to be awarded that title and so I do not claim it or wear the leather cap that would have been granted as part of that recognition ceremony. It would feel disrespectful to me to claim it now.

Don’t use stupid ones¶

Online I often see ‘Internet doms’ who give themselves the most pretentious of names. “Sir Master Dragon Lord” and the like. Trying to give yourself a giant title to get people to respect you will always backfire. It’s pretentious and kinda idiotic.

Krull (1983)

Ergo: I am Ergo the Magnificent. Short in stature, tall in power, narrow of purpose and wide of vision

Ergo: My name is no jest, beanpole. It’s all very well to have a short name when you’re twenty feet tall but small people need large names to give them weight.

Rell the Cyclops: Your actions give you weight, my friend.

Learn how to give orders to your sub¶

Giving orders is quite a difficult art form to get right. It takes time to get the right level of casual with telling another person what to do. the ideal order is given with a perfect air of authority, but not done in a degrading, condescending, or mean way. It should be spoken simply, without anger or a raised voice.

When the order is completed, there must always be recognition for the submissive of a job completed.

When you see me give an order, it’s usually very casually done. “Pet, boots…” for example is usually sufficient to let my Pet know I’d like them to remove my boots. It’s chill, but it’s also not a request.

It is better to give your sub an order than ask questions of them¶

It’s an unfortunate reality of English that when you ask someone “Why did you do X?” there’s always an unspoken ‘idiot’ at the end of the sentence. So if you ask a sub why they did something, they are going to hear that unspoken, and likely unintended, ‘idiot?’ at the end.

To avoid this, try to get into the habit of avoiding the word ‘why’. If you need to know why something was done, you can try using the form ‘What was your goal?’ or such.

But the best is really not to concern yourself with ‘why’. It isn’t all that useful in the long run. Instead, just tell the submissive “Next time, do X instead”. Telling a sub what to do next time is way more effective since it’s giving them an order, instead of asking them to justify themselves. They won’t feel put on the spot or judged, and they’ll know what to do differently next time.

Focus on the future¶

As mentioned above, it is better to focus on the next time. If something wasn’t done how you would have wanted, then just tell the sub to do it differently next time. And then if they don’t do it properly next time, you can flick their ear for it. (See: training your submissive.)

Own what you allow¶

In vanilla society, there’s a thing where people say what they think they are supposed to say, as opposed to what they really want. For example, if your girlfriend asks if it’s ok that she goes to a movie with her ex ‘as a friend’. Assume she’s not cheating on you, but you’re jealous about it anyhow. In vanilla society, you’re ‘supposed’ to say “Sure, go ahead.” And then if she does go to the movie, you’re hurt and angry and jealous and can’t sleep until she gets home, and you grill her about why she’s home two hours late.

Yeah, that’s a trap. You said “yes”, but there was an unspoken “But if you love me, you won’t do it.” That’s bullshit.

You need to consider how you will feel about any request your submissive makes and decide after taking your feelings, and theirs, into account. And make the best decision for you both. It is your job as the dominant to make the decisions and own the consequences of those decisions.

When you give an order, or when you give an option to your submissive, it must be genuine. If you say something is “ok” then it needs to be 100% OK. Not “If you love me you won’t, but ok.”

It is entirely possible, likely even, that at some point your submissive will be in touch with their inner slut and ask you for permission to indulge in it. For example, most of my submissives have at one point or another expressed the desire to be gangbanged. It doesn’t bother me that they want this, and it shouldn’t bother you that they ask. It’s a sign of great trust in you that they felt safe coming to you to ask such a question. If you freak out and scream “Why would you ask me that…?!” they will be hurt and confused. The reason they are asking you is obvious: they are a little slut, and you’re their Owner, so they ask you for the things they want.

So when you get that question, tell them you want to think it over. And then think it over. Ask yourself how you feel about the idea. Are you ok with them being gangbanged? It is a big fantasy of theirs and they would love it if you allowed it. But they won’t cheat on you and they want your permission.

If you’re just not okay with it, then calmly say “No, I don’t think so.” and they should accept your answer.

Or if you’re kinda on the fence, is there something that would make it feel “safe” to you? What if it was only two friends of yours who participated with you involved as well? What if everyone but you wore a condom? What if your submissive were blindfolded and never knew who it was who’d fucked them? What if you only did it as a one-time thing on your sub’s birthday, as a special treat?

If any of those conditions make the idea “OK, but with these conditions” then tell your sub that. “Ok, but I get to pick who they are, and you’re blindfolded.” They will squeak with glee, get super wet, and kiss you for being the best Owner in the whole world. Because you gave that gift of your blessing to check item #12 off their bucket list.

And again, if the answer is that you’re not comfortable with it, say “no”, politely, calmly, and in a firm voice, and they’ll accept.

If you said they can do something, and they do it, you need to be 100% okay with that. They’ll take you at your word, so mean it.

Accept when you are wrong¶

Don’t be afraid to be less than perfect.

Sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where you are upset with your submissive, but they point out that you never told them to do any differently.

Subs are not psychics

Your sub won’t know what you want if you don’t explicitly tell them. If they can honestly respond that you didn’t tell them something, then you’re not allowed to be upset with them. Suck it up. Admit that they are right, and tell them you’d like them to do it differently next time. Then pat their head for being brave and correcting you.

When your submissive points out that you’ve made a mistake, they are not challenging you. They are standing up for themselves, and they are helping you see a mistake you made. Always praise them for standing up for themselves to others, especially to you. And appreciate that they care enough about you to point out when you’re wrong so that you can introspect and make yourself a better person. They should tell you something. It would be bad for you if you develop a reputation for something negative. Learn from their feedback. They see you more than anyone else and may well know you better than you know yourself. Accept their feedback! Graciously. And thank them for it with a head pat.

Keep every promise, great and small¶

If you’re in a D/s relationship, you must keep your promises. (And that you remember them!) If you have a hard time remembering, then come up with a system like using written post-it notes, a journal, or an online calendar.

Subs need to remember to do the chores they promise to do. They do their chores, and then they get their head pats. That’s the deal.

Doms: This is super important for you too. The sub has to remember the chores, and the dom has to remember to pat them for it. Every. Single. Time. You promised your sub head pats, and if you forget, they will quietly sulk off and probably not even tell you. But in their heart, they will hurt and wish you’d patted them. They will worry. They will convince themselves that you are angry with them. They will come up with some excuse for why your forgetting to pat their head is their fault. But it isn’t. It is your job as the dom to do it, so you damn well need to remember that you promised them head pats for chores. Go find them. Pat them. I’ll be here when you get back.

Additional resources¶

Next: Read my thoughts on consent in a long-term D/s relationship

(Or feel free to use the navbar on the left, or behind the , to skip around.)

I’d probably include high-ranking NCOs, like E-7 and above, as dominants. (And an O-1 is the new dominant who doesn’t yet know what they don’t know.) ↩
This is not an endorsement of underage sex or anything like that. That’s not ‘kink’, that’s taking advantage of someone who shouldn’t be or can’t be giving informed consent. ↩