Poly, or not?¶

What people mean¶

I get a lot of questions about if I’m monogamous or not. And this is actually really hard for me to answer. When asked the question, there’s an implicit definition in it. “Monogamy” in the sense that I’m being asked is about how many people I have sex with. But that is because, in vanilla society, sex is usually the definition of a ‘relationship’. If you ask if two people are together, you’re politely asking if they are fucking. (Or considering it, or assumed to be, etc.) If you say people “broke up”, then they have (usually) stopped fucking and don’t plan to fuck each other anymore.

A relationship defined by service¶

But for me, where the relationship isn’t defined by sex at all, this is an inappropriate definition. For me, a “relationship” begins when a submissive asks me to hold their leash, and I accept. It ends when that consent ends, by the submissive’s hand or my own. To ask me if I am “together” with someone is to ask me if they’ve consented to, and requested, that I order them around. When I answer, I am answering in regards to the D/s aspect of our relations and not the sexual aspect of our relations. If they’ve consented to be my submissive, they’ve (nearly always) consented to me generally using their body however I choose to get off, and to their enjoyment as well. Maybe I take advantage of that offer and fuck them silly every chance I get. Or maybe I don’t at all. But either way, it is a D/s relationship and very emotionally profound. My partner may, or may not, care at all whom it is that I have sex with. Either way, if I suddenly replaced them as my submissive and had someone else start making me coffee instead of them, they would be beyond angry and likely be coming to skin me and make a rug out of me.

To me, the ability to decide who can, and cannot, use my submissive is huge. I get to decide who gets to fuck them, how, when, etc. If I choose to, I can say “no” to anything I’m not comfortable with. And that ability to say “no” makes it a lot easier for me to say “yes”. My faith in my partner is that they will not play with someone without my explicit permission. Since I am in control, I feel ”safe”.

This has the usual secondary effect of a much lesser concern for who’s having sex with whom. Usually, the sub is quite happy to be of sexual service to their Owner, but it isn’t what drives them. The sub is so focused on whatever form of service they can provide, that it becomes much more important than the sex.

On the other hand, if someone else asks if my submissive can submit to them if they can make decisions on behalf of my submissive, the answer is “Hell no”. They are mine and I do not share that control with anyone. This is because, for me, the emotional aspect of the relationship has to do with the dominance I have over them, and not the physical aspects.

Multiple dominants

It is my experience that if one submissive serves two dominants, it usually ends very badly. I am sure some folks have managed to do it with a lot of negotiation over who gets to decide in what situations. But personally, I’ve never seen it work and I will not share control of my submissives with anyone. I’ll occasionally let someone else fuck them. But no one orders them to get a coffee except me!

Is negotiated¶

Somewhere along the line as we were getting into our relationship, we sat down and talked about how we felt about sexual exclusivity. Some submissives have been very clear they want total exclusivity, and I’ve usually agreed to that and been okay with it. But that’s not the usual thing the submissive asks for in my experience. In most of my relationships, my submissive partner has had fantasies that involve either threesomes, foursomes, some cuckqueening, or some other form of “not entirely exclusive”.

One of my submissives, her biggest fantasies was that upon one of her birthdays, she be bound and blindfolded. Tied to a footstool. And then any of her male friends who wished to could fuck her and cum in her. And she’d never know who it was that had done so. She loved the idea that afterward while talking with her male friends, she’d never know if they’d used her or not. It would add a thrill to their conversations. And she never wanted to know who had and hadn’t.

Another one of my submissives was much more exclusive in that she didn’t want any sex that didn’t involve me. But she wanted to be made “airtight”. This of course requires more cocks than I was born with, and so would necessitate me borrowing a couple of friends.

In both of the above examples, this was a very heavily negotiated aspect of our relationship. And in both cases, I agreed to their requests. I like to make my submissives happy, and threesomes and moresomes are fucking hot…

It’s not just about sex¶

In the above, I talk a lot about sex, because it is an important component of many relationships. But at the core, D/s is always going to be about service. That service can be sexual (‘body service’) or it can take a lot of other forms. As part of your relationship negotiations, you should definitely talk about how the submissive feels about all of this.

Keep in mind that a lot of the ‘important’ things in your relationship will come in the little moments. The time you spend cuddled on the couch watching TV. The gentle praises and kisses when you get your coffee delivered. The gentle sound of their breathing when they sleep beside you. Don’t let yourself forget that a relationship is about a life of joy and happiness and a thousand little things, spent together with someone you love.

I talk a lot more about this in the relationship chapter

Dominant still decides¶

The D/s focus tends to make it deeply uncomfortable for the sub to have a relationship of any kind with someone other than either their Owner or a subling. The idea of stepping out of their happy 24/7 kink dynamic, to go on a ‘date’ is a very uncomfortable and unwanted shift. So the submissive will often prefer to have their Owner decide who gets to use them, with appropriate sidebar conversations between the sub and Owner about how the sub feels about the person. The dom should never agree to someone using the sub that the sub doesn’t enjoy being used by, and the sub should definitely safeword if not enthusiastic about the other individual.

I would rather say yes¶

In my view, as someone’s dominant, I’m here to make their life amazing. And that includes helping them check off all of their sexual fantasies. If they want to get fucked in an alleyway by a stranger, then I try to find a way to arrange such safely. (Maybe the ‘stranger’ is a friend, and I’m nearby to keep an eye on things, but the sub may not know that I’m there.) Maybe the sub wants to be hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group. If so, I’ll see if I’ve got 3 friends and some blue body paint.

This doesn’t mean I feel that I have to say yes. If something is too dangerous, for my submissive, or for my own emotional safety and comfort, I will say now. In the past when asked by someone if they could date my sub, I turned them down and only allowed them to fuck my sub. The sex didn’t make me feel “unsafe”, but the “dating” did. So I didn’t allow it.

Overall though, I’d much rather be the dominant that helped my sub cross off most of their bucket list, than the one that didn’t.

It evolves over time¶

How you feel about sharing your submissive sexually can evolve over time. There’s no rule that you have to keep this static. Limits and comfort will change over time and that’s natural and healthy. Just keep the communication open, and if either of you wants to renegotiate: sit down, have a cup of tea, and calmly discuss that your submissive is fantasizing about being hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group. And see if that’s a fantasy you can help them experience.

Having a subling¶

(The keeping of a second submissive.)

One of the important things for all relationships is if there will be an allowance for a second submissive in the relationship. (There is sadly a shortage of good dominants, and so there’s often a surplus of submissives in need of a good home.)

If one is to successfully have two submissives, here is my advice:

Don’t go for more than 2. They are very high-maintenance creatures. They need a lot of love and there are only enough hours in the day for 2.
It needs to be the submissive’s choice. Don’t try to push it on them because you (the dominant) want it.
Don’t start both relationships at the same time. Get one stable before you introduce the subling.
Don’t play favorites between the two. Treat them as equals.
The two subs should see each other as best friends, or almost as siblings.

If it works out, they will get along and you’ll find them cuddled up together, taking naps, splitting up the chores, etc. And it will feel natural and healthy and without drama.

Next: Read about training your submissive to be their best

(Or feel free to use the navbar on the left, or behind the , to skip around.)