(Potential) Red Flags to Watch For¶

Disclaimer: We are all different

Before I get into some of the things that I think you should watch out for, I want to point out we’re all different. A lot of kinky people are neurodivergent in some way, or otherwise ‘odd’. This isn’t in itself a red flag, and the symptoms of how they think shouldn’t be seen as a ‘red flag’.

For example, I am autistic. Though people who meet me only briefly may not figure this out, it doesn’t take long to figure out that I am very candid. Or they will become confused by why I ask certain questions that I ask, or why I don’t ask other questions. But if they ask me about these unexpected responses, then I can explain the reasoning behind it. I will frequently be asked “Why did you ask that?” and I get confused because my answer is always “Because I wanted to know… Isn’t that the only reason you ask questions?”

So, don’t run away just because someone is different. Take the time to ask them and do a little digging about why they are behaving differently than what you’d expect. Then decide if the behavior is something you can handle.

Fantasy vs. Reality

A lot of the items on this list might also be things that at first glance sound hot to you. Maybe you’re into objectification and the idea of a partner who doesn’t show much concern for your wants sounds sexy. I would caution you to be able to understand the difference between someone who can appear to not care while you’re being used as a human footstool, vs a sociopath. A lot of doms are capable of meeting your needs if you express them, but be a little wary if they treat you that way before you express that need/desire/kink.

Be careful, but not too quick to judge

Keep in mind this is meant as a list of possible warning signs. I’m not saying all of these should be an immediate end to the conversation/relationship. Often people can acquire poor behaviors as a result of bad upbringing, trauma, past relationships, mental illness, etc. So when you look these over, and if you find something you feel may apply in your relationship: It’s probably best to have a serious sit-down conversation about it and find out the origins of it. It’s always better to approach such things constructively and talk about it. Your partner may simply not know why a behavior is bad and will stop if they are informed. Not everyone is a monster. (In fact, the author strongly believes that most people are kind, loving, and can be great when given a chance.)

So if at all possible, use this as a source of teaching moments, and not just a checklist for immediately terminating contact with someone. Maybe by sitting down and talking clearly and plainly with each other, you can dig into the origin of the behavior and find alternatives that work for both of you. Maybe some mix of therapy, education, communication, and possibly even medication, can help bring you both to a place of happiness. So, if you find something on this list in your relationship, instead of running for the door, brew a nice pot of tea, and have a long sit down about how you want to approach it. Adults, when given a problem to solve as a team, are often clever and creative enough to work out a solution. So try that first.

However, if you’ve done this, and the partner refuses or is unable, to change their ways and you continue to be hurt by it, it may be time to exit the relationship.

Find a middle ground if you can. People with issues or bad behaviors shouldn’t be tossed to the curb at the first sign of an issue. A lot of things can be worked out if you both approach it as a constructive problem to solve. At the same time, you need to be safe, take care of yourself, and stand up for yourself and your own health.

Subs can behave badly too

While it is common to think of red flags in the context of a poorly behaving dominant, submissives are equally capable of behaving badly. So as you read this section, be aware that both sides of the coin should be considered. Don’t think only d-types can behave badly.

Doesn’t believe in safewords/limits¶

Maybe they think ‘slaves’ shouldn’t have safewords, or they think a ‘CNC kink’ means you have to let them do absolutely anything at all they want to. Or a sub may mistakenly believe that dominants can’t or shouldn’t safeword.

Yikes! Run. Away.

This also applies when you have proper consent and negotiations](consent.md) and they don’t abide by your limits. Or if they try to push your limits without you having asked them to.

Say’s “You’re crazy” when challenged¶

This is textbook gaslighting when used outside of a specific negotiated scene. (A term that is sadly misused a lot.) You’re (probably) not crazy, and they are almost assuredly lying.

Tries to socially isolate the sub¶

If they talk about not wanting you to communicate with other people, that’s not a good sign. For example, they may ban you from talking to other kinky folks at all, or maybe just a large subset of them. It’s good and important to have other friends in the lifestyle, and other people in similar relationships to compare yourself against. So if they try to remove this important self-check on your relationship, that may be a problem.

It is also possible they have a bad history of being cheated on, etc, in which case you should sit them down and reassure them that you won’t be doing that and that it’s safe to let you talk to everyone. (Of course, if you do then cheat on them they will lose all faith in humanity. So don’t do that, ok?)

Also, your kink relationship can be, and often is, a really big relationship in your life. It’s possibly the person you most want to be with. And so generally you show them off to all your friends and family. (With maybe a little bit left out as to the nature of your relationship with the vanilla friends/family.) So if they are acting like they are ashamed of you, or keeping you a secret, then that may be a warning sign.

Limits friendships by demographic¶

Another version of social isolation is when a partner is prohibited from having friends of a certain demographic. Such as ‘no male friends’ or ‘no dominant/submissive friends’. You should be free to pick your own friends, and safe to socialize with them.

If a specific individual is not healthy for the sub to be around, then the dom may reasonably sever contact with that individual. But it will be based on the behaviors of that individual, and not based on a general demographic they belong to. Likewise, if your sub says they are not comfortable with a single individual, you should definitely consider why and possibly end your association with that individual.

It is not uncommon for people to become traumatized by past experiences, most often by infidelity. This can cause either side to become afraid. Such as a dom may get afraid of their sub talking to another dom because they don’t trust their partner. Or a sub can become jealous of their dom smiling at other subs. This is understandable. But it is also something I feel means you should work on yourself. It’s far better to seek therapy or otherwise get very introspective about the origins of your fears, instead of trying to limit whom your partner may speak to. You’ll come out much happier when you learn to trust again. (You should share these fears with your partner so they understand where it is coming from and help reassure you that they are loyal and love you very much indeed.)

Not interested in your thoughts/feelings/opinions¶

This is one of the big ones that can seem sexy and hot at first glance. If you have an objectification kink or degradation kink, this can be really fun in some circumstances and within a kinky scene. But there’s an important difference between someone doing this as a means to get your riled up and turned on, vs. someone who doesn’t actually care when you’re sad and need a hug because your sister just died. (Yes, that happened to me. It’s when I worked out they actually were a sociopath.)

Calls you an idiot¶

This is another one that can be fun if you have a degradation kink and then only when it’s in a scene and playful. Seriously irritating when it’s when you need to pay the bills or go to class/work.

Not interested in learning/classes¶

No matter how long you’ve been in kink, there’s always more to learn. (This applies to life as a whole really.) So if someone, especially a dominant, doesn’t continue to take classes, or says that there’s no point in them as they won’t learn anything, that’s usually a flag. (I’ve been doing this for 30 years and I still love going to new classes.) See also: always be learning

Not open to being questioned or corrected¶

There are a lot of people you’ll meet in your life who will become very upset if you question their authority. They’ll even use the phrase, “Are you questioning my authority?!” Almost without exception, these are people who should have no authority of any kind. They become upset when you question it because they don’t feel they have earned authority through legitimate means. (Or they feel ‘entitled’ to it without cause.)

Won’t admit to a lack of knowledge¶

If they won’t admit to not knowing some things, then they won’t admit when they don’t know how to do something safely. And that’s how a scene ends in the ER and you have to answer a lot of awkward questions. So when you’re planning a nice fire play scene where they will be roasting marshmallows over your body, they had better be open about if they know how to do so safely. (Yes, it can be done without harm. Yes it is dangerous.)

Doesn’t let you communicate with folks post-scene¶

You had an intense scene, and you look like a bit of a hot mess. You may be very happy about this, but perhaps some friends/bystanders are worried about you. Your dominant should allow you to reassure them, and without them looming over you as you talk to them.

Doesn’t give clear expectations¶

In kinky relationships, it is very, very important that all parties are clear with their negotiation about who gets to do what to whom and when. (See Consent and Negotiation) It’s one thing to be wrong about this in a vanilla relationship, but in one that might involve activities like carving your name into your partner’s side with a #10 blade, it is so much more important you both know what’s allowed and what’s desired.

Doesn’t answer questions¶

This kinda goes in hand with clear expectations, but the dom should be willing and happy to answer all clarifications on orders. Example: If the sub has been told to hang a set of cabinets, but hasn’t done this before, they will have a ton of anxiety and questions about how to do so. The dom should take the time to explain to the sub how it is done and supervise their first cabinet install. Being a good dom includes being a patient teacher.

Likewise, as a submissive, you need to be able to answer your dominant’s questions with candor and honesty. They can’t judge what is best for you, or how to handle you if you’re not open and honest with them.

That said, sometimes a question may take time to answer or need to be answered in private. So allow for this.

Won’t discuss grievances as equals¶

A good D/s relationship should have a grievance system that allows the sub to talk, as equals when something is bothering them. The dom should be willing to drop all D/s roles and talk to the sub like a person for this.

Shows a lack of consistency¶

If the expectations/rules for a sub are changing daily, there’s no stability for the sub. It is very important in D/s that the rules are fairly consistent and only change via negotiation. If they are changing all the time, the sub will feel like they are walking on eggshells and never feel comfortable.

Attempts to punish in non-negotiated ways¶

The punishment ritual should be a negotiated and consented thing. It shouldn’t be improvised or done in anger. So if they slap the sub across the face without warning, for example, that’s just abuse. Get out if that happens. A sub should never be made to fear their dominant.

Refuses to allow the sub to earn money/work¶

If the sub has asked to not be required to work outside the House, that’s okay. But if the submissive wishes to hold an outside job, this should be encouraged. The sub should also be allowed to keep a reasonable percentage of what they earn, so they can be financially independent if they wish to be. If the sub does not work outside the home, it is the responsibility of the dominant to cover all their relocation and setup expenses should the relationship end. (See breakup) If needed, this money can even be provided in advance, such that if the sub needs to leave, the funds are already in their control.

Wanting non-negotiated violence¶

There’s a group of people who desire to legitimately anger their dominant in hopes of a ‘good’ hate-fuck or some other kind of violence such as a spanking or getting slapped around. For them, it’s more fun if there’s no negotiation about what this will look like. (As opposed to CNC which has a lot of negotiation involved.)

This can get out of hand and be very dangerous, and is outside of the realm of consensual relationships, as often the dominant is not consenting to it, or at least it doesn’t have proper negotiation. I would avoid such people.

Non-negotiated degradation¶

A lot of folks will enjoy some degradation play, and that’s fine. It can be really hot to some subs to be called “nothing by a cum dump” or objectified. But it can become a red flag when it’s a form of degradation the sub didn’t consent to. If this is a kind of play you like, make sure to make a list of “dos and don’ts” for what you agree to and what you do not. Raceplay for example is often a no-no, as can be intelligence or self-worth.

You should also make sure neither of you starts to believe the roleplay. Being “nothing but a cum dump” is hot at the moment, but you should both always actually show that you value the sub and they are a lot more than just a vessel for sexual release.

Not allowed hobbies/downtime¶

One should be free to experiment and pick the hobbies they like. It’s fine to occasionally make a submissive play a video game with their dom, but also give them downtime to engage in any hobby they wish.

Buys their way out of an apology¶

When one makes a mistake, and everyone will, they should apologize to the partner as an equal. Don’t just buy them something fancy and refuse to talk about the mistake. Admit to being human and making mistakes.

No, silence is not consent. Consent is loud and enthusiastic, or it isn’t consent. (See consent and negotiation.)

Inappropriate use of the ‘d-word’¶

The ‘d-word’ is a very big and very hurtful word. It should only be used in the most grievous of fuckups where the sub knew in advance that their actions would lead to that consequence and did so knowingly. (For example, getting hilariously gangbanged by The Blue Man Group, without asking first, or after having been given a ‘no’ when they did ask.)

It’s a big, big stick, so don’t use it very often. Ideally less than once a year on average.

What’s the ‘d-word’?

It is “disappointment”, a word so painful to subs that we hide it in this spoiler.

Withdrawal of affection/time as punishment¶

A partner’s love, affection, and time are not ‘optional’ or ‘earned’. They cannot be lost because of mistakes. Neither partner should attempt to punish the other by the withdrawal of basic affection and time together. That’s manipulative and possibly abusive. (See prohibited forms of punishment.)

Believes in ‘breaking’ submissives¶

There’s a meme (literally: viral idea) that submissives should be ‘broken’ in order to be made to serve, have no desires, etc. This idea makes the author ill. A sub’s personality is a treasure, a thing to be encouraged, nurtured, and praised. Submissives are not doormats or objects (even if they are into objectification) and should never be ‘broken’. These folks need to get some freaking therapy.

All the vanilla flags too¶

If something is a red flag in a vanilla relationship, like having three different passports, a bag of money, and a best friend named Don, then it’s a red flag in a kink relationship too. (Don: If you’re reading this, I promise I’ll get you the money back by Tuesday!)

Next: Read about my opinions on brats

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