A Guide to D/s Relationships

Let’s live together and love each other!

IRL, 24/7 live-in, D/s is what we’re here for

I am assuming that both parties want to move toward a 24/7 live-in D/s relationship. If you want some other kind, I don’t know what help I can be for you. D/s can be initiated online, but this lifestyle is all about the 24/7 in-person dynamic. This is not a guide for online-only/role-play relations.

Usually not poly, or monogamous: Service-based instead

See the poly, or not? chapter.

Sex not required

As mentioned, service is the core element of the relationship, not sex. There may be a lot of sex or none at all. It absolutely is not a required, or even desired, aspect of many D/s relationships. And there are a ton of fulfilling non-sexual roles that a D/s relationship can take: Butler, maid, a kinky housekeeper. It can be a very emotionally fulfilling D/s relationship for both parties even if completely platonic as well.

Imagine one example from my past: I, a straight male dominant, Owning a male butler sub. I would have him prepare meals, clean the house, and farm gold for me in WoW. (I’m a gamer, so yes, I had him farm gold for me.) I’m sure if I had wanted to, he would have been more than willing to let me use him sexually. But he wasn’t my type, and so I never did. Still, we had a very happy time living together, keeping each other company, and playing video games together. He got very good at making me my coffee exactly how I liked it.

The little things matter

It’s all too common I think in relationships for people to focus on the sex. Even in a D/s relationship where the sex is secondary to the service, there’s still a lot about it to talk about. This is appropriate as we are still mammals and we’re wired for sex, procreation, etc to be quite integral to our lives.

I would however point out that in the kind of relationship I talk about here, and in the poly chapter, the sex is downplayed quite a lot because we want to make the service and submission the cornerstone of the relationship. And that service and submission are shown in dozens of little ways every day.

Examples:

• Your sub getting up before you to prepare breakfast and coffee.
• The smile they have when they see you wake up and find that breakfast.
• The heart-melting joy they get when you pet their head for that breakfast, or for any task done for you.
• The little poem they wrote for you.
• Sitting with you on their cushion while you watch TV together.
• The way you reached out and gently pet their head as they sat beside you.
• The little moan they get as you kiss their neck.
• The birthday cake they baked especially for you.
• Learning how to make fresh bread for you.
• The moment of joy as you fed them a little bit of chocolate from your fingers.
• The cute way they nibbled on your finger afterward and smiled up at you.

These little moments of bliss together are what will bind you together, and lead you to a happy life, and a happy submissive.

Collaring

Inherent with all of our rituals is the concept of collaring a submissive. This is a ritualized form of courtship. It should be initiated by the submissive. If the dominant is willing and interested as well, then some negotiations will commence. The goal of both parties should be to see if a relationship is something they would both enjoy.

As D/s relationships are consent-based, either party may, at any time and for any reason, withdraw consent to the relationship. This may be cause for either a renegotiation if both parties still desire a relationship, or a breakup if at least one party no longer desires a relationship. Nothing within the terms of the relationship should be construed to prevent either partner from leaving if they want to.

When we speak of collaring, we almost always are referring to two individuals who wish to explore together the possibility of a 24/7 dominant/submissive service-based relationship.

The token itself

There should be a physical token that represents the relationship, that the sub can wear at all times.

The ‘collar’ might be literally that, a collar of some kind around the sub’s neck. They are pretty common and can come in a ton of forms. Etsy is a great source for them.

But the token can also not be anything else the sub can keep with them. Maybe it isn’t what’s around their neck, which might be something the sub picked out for themselves at PetSmart or Etsy, but instead, it’s the tag that’s hanging on the collar. (This is actually my usual mark. I’ll provide a tag that says “Property of: My Name”, and the tag remains mine, while the collar itself can be swapped out by the sub for whatever coordinates with their outfit that day.)

Sometimes the sub will have reasons for wanting a non-traditional physical representation of the relationship. One sub I had really liked to coordinate her necklace with her outfit, and felt a large collar would get in the way of that. So she wore a small silver key on one of her earrings. It was difficult to remove, a small charm hanging on a trapped-bead style ring. She could bat at it with her hand and hear the tinkling of it whenever she wanted a nice reminder of her being Owned.

It should be clear to both parties what physical item is the mark of the relationship. If the relationship ends, that mark, and only that mark, should be returned to the dominant. If the symbol is the tag on a collar for example, then only the tag should be returned, and the collar itself remains with the sub. In the above example, when that relationship ended, the silver key was reclaimed, but the sub kept her earrings.

Return of token by submissive:

If the sub returns the token, the relationship is over. Go now to the stage it didn’t work out.

Non-relationship collaring (i.e. protection)

Sometimes a sub will want to feel safe, even if they don’t have an Owner. This can be accomplished by giving them a non-relationship collar to wear at kinky events. Others should recognize the collar for what it is and keep their distance, and those who don’t are creeps to be avoided. It doesn’t mean you two are considering a relationship, but it does put the dom in a position of authority to speak on behalf of the sub.

The flow of a relationship

Stage 0: Initiation

Something to keep in mind. The relationship should be initiated by the submissive. It is not appropriate for a dominant to solicit anything from a sub that has not previously consented to it. As such, it is also not appropriate to ask a sub out, as they’ve not given you their consent to ask for that from them. As it can be very hard for subs to say ‘no’ to requests, it is better if the sub is the one who approaches the dom, and very shyly if needed, says they’d like to get to know that dom better.

Going up to subs who have not expressed an interest, or trying to ask them out first makes you come off as very ‘thirsty’ and will get you a bad reputation very quickly as pushy and unwelcome. Let the sub come to you!

Stage 1: Consideration

Once the sub approaches the dom they’re interested in, the dominant should sit down with the sub for some nice long conversations. If they haven’t had a scene together, now would be a good time to negotiate a little scene to see what kind of chemistry they have together.

Both parties should discuss their availability for a new relationship. If the two do not live near each other, then they should discuss the logistics of meeting up in person.

If both parties wish to move forward, then a period of ‘consideration’ is appropriate. This is usually 4-8 months, or longer, where both parties are testing out the relationship slowly and seeing if it works for both parties. There’s really no way to know if a D/s relationship will be successful without trying it out. All the negotiation in the world won’t tell you if you’ll be happy to be someone’s sub all day long.

The dom speaks for the sub publicly now

From this point forward, in the eyes of the community, the dominant should be the one speaking for the sub. If someone wants a scene with the sub, they should ask the dominant. If they don’t respect this and ask the sub directly, the sub should say “You should talk to my Owner about that” and avoid the creep. Anyone trying to cut the dom out at this point will likely have ill intentions and should be shunned.

The dom should not have more than 1 sub under consideration at a time. Anyone else should wait until this relationship has a resolution. (If the dominant already has a sub, then they should be consulted and should be in agreement about inviting the new sub into their relationship.)

Similarly, the sub should avoid any other relationships or situations that might encroach on the D/s relationship. If the sub had a friend-with-benefits on the side, it would be good to pause that for now. The sub’s only focus should be on deciding if this is a dom they want to spend years serving.

The consideration stage should start off kinda low-key if possible. Don’t make too big of a deal about it to friends. Other subs will likely want to give your sub congratulatory messages, and that’s awesome. Just don’t make it feel like a wedding, ok?

In the early stage of the consideration period, it is common for the parties to live apart. Visits will be arranged. At first, visits might only be for the length of a scene, or perhaps a dinner together. (Sub cooks?) If flights are needed, visits might be a couple days. And after each visit, both parties go home and think about how the experience was. Was there something that should be negotiated before continuing? Is there something that doesn’t sit right or makes you unhappy? If so it should be discussed before the next visit. Don’t start out your relationship with a lack of communication about how each of you feels.

It is important at this stage to let the sub experience the contrast of the worlds and let them find their own way to the world that they want to be in. They will experience ‘home’ and ‘with dom’ and over time they’ll figure out what world they want to live in and which one really feels like ‘home’ to them.

Also important is to let the submissive set the pace during this period. Their feelings will guide them on how much time they can handle per visit, and they will get homesick or overwhelmed easily. (Especially if this is their first 24/7 relationship.) Be patient and supportive, and make sure not to pressure them about the pace.

Over time, and only at a pace comfortable to the sub, such visits will get longer. The sub will find they don’t want to be away from their prospective Owner. (If this doesn’t happen, you should really reconsider the relationship.) The submissive will bond with their prospective Owner over time. Eventually, they can’t imagine not living with them full-time and belonging to them. That’s when you know it’s time to talk about a more permanent arrangement.

Give her something that smells like you

Female subs especially really want to be able to smell their partner. So whenever I’ve got a female submissive under consideration, I’ll always make sure she leaves with something of mine that smells like me. I’ll usually wear the same t-shirt for a couple of days, and seal it in a Ziploc bag for her to take with her. Or I might give her my pillow to take home with her. It really helps her to feel like she still has a piece of me with her. And on her next visit, she’d bring it back and I’d swap it out for a new shirt, so she always had a fresh one with her when she left.

When panic sets in…

Dear doms: It is fairly common for subs being considered for their first real 24/7 D/s relationship to freak out after a little while. They might run away or feel overwhelmed. Being in this kind of relationship can be overwhelming. And so don’t be entirely surprised if they freak out and panic a bit.

Give them space and let them know that if they want to come back, they can do so. But like it was at the beginning, it must be at their initiation. You should not ask them to come back to you any more than you were allowed to ask them out in the first place. Let them work through their fear. Let them talk to their friends. If this is the relationship they want and crave, they will return. If they do not return, then they are not ready for this style of relationship and you should accept that.

Non-Sexual limits

When I first start talking about limits, people often immediately imagine sexual limits. But that’s not usually what I’m focused on. In a good and healthy D/s relationship, both parties will often have evolving sexual preferences and limits, and those should absolutely be respected. But there are usually a lot more non-sexual limits than there are sexual ones. A sub may or may not enjoy anal, but how do they feel if you want them to change how they cut their hair, or how they color it?

Things to negotiate

Oh, so many things to talk about. Some examples are below.

• Where will the sub sleep?
• What chores will be expected of the sub?
• If the dom works outside the home, what should the sub do when on their own?
• Will the sub’s service include sex, or is it to be platonic?
• What kinds of sex will the Owner expect?
• What sexual limits does the submissive have? (Hints below.)
• What kinks does the sub have?
• What grooming standards will the sub be held to?
• Will the sub be required to shave, and remain ‘au natural’?
• What’s on the sub’s ‘bucket list’, and will the dom help them get checked off?
• Will the sub need a passport? (If the dom wants to take them on trips for example.)
• Will the sub be expected to contribute financially? (If so, what percentage should be handed over. Using a percentage is easier/better than a fixed value.)
• What non-sexual limits does the submissive have? (Hints below.)
• How should the submissive indicate they have a grievance to discuss?
• Will there be classes the sub is expected to take, either kinky or professional?
• Who will pick what the sub wears? (Many subs love when you pick their outfits.)
• Who will pick what the sub eats? (Many subs hate picking their own food.)
• Will the sub have specific places to sit in the House?
• Will the sub have a special bowl or dish to eat from? If so, who washes it? Who puts food in it?
• Will the sub be expected to serve others sexually?
• Will the sub want a subling?
• Will the sub be expected to serve others non-sexually?
• Does the dom like his subs sassy, or more docile/domesticated?
• How will the sub silently indicate they are uncomfortable at a party? (All of my subs have a subtle physical gesture they make when they want me to say ‘no’ to someone on their behalf at a party or other social setting.)
• How often should both parties get STI tests?
• Is the dom going to have sexual partners outside the relationship?
• Does the dom want to change the sub’s hair style/color/length? (This can be surprisingly personal to people and should be negotiated.)
• Are there any physical illnesses to be discussed? Does either party have a mental illness and is the partner ok supporting them when things are bad?
• Can the sub give themselves breaks when they need them?
• Where is a quiet place in the house where a sub can give themselves a timeout if they start to need one?
• Is there a House policy on naps?
• What kind of aftercare does the sub need?

Stage 2: Ownership

Congrats! You made it past the consideration stage and you’re pretty sure you want to be together 24/7. Come up with something to ritualize it. Maybe a newer, prettier collar. Maybe a big party where you invite all your (kinky) friends. Do something to celebrate this. Especially if it’s the sub’s first time in this kind of relationship. The collaring day should feel like a birthday or a wedding. This is a big deal. Go nuts.

Dinner at the most expensive restaurant, with your best butt plug!

I wish you both the best in your new relationship. Notes below should hopefully help you make it last, and I hope to see you together years from now!

Dominants: Go read the rest of this book now.

Stage 3: It didn’t work out

The dominant must accept this graciously, without anger, judgment, or repercussion. It didn’t work out. Don’t be an asshole. Give the sub a (metaphorical) tip of the hat, thank them for their time and for their consideration, and move the fuck on.

Both parties should withdraw to their social support group and turn to them for comfort and validation. It is pretty common for relationships to not work out, and it’s best for all if everyone accepts this as graciously as they can.

Keep your ex’s private things private

Don’t be trying to slander your ex, or share their personal secrets with others. You both know a lot of really personal things about the other one that you entrusted to each other in your relationship. Honor those commitments even now that you’re apart. If you become known for sharing private things about your ex(es), then future potential partners will likely avoid you because they wouldn’t want their personal laundry aired publicly if it doesn’t work out with you.

Gifts are gifts

The token of ownership (collar, tag, or whatever it was) must be returned to the dominant. All other things given to the sub are gifts for the sub to keep or dispose of however they choose. Don’t be an ass and try to ask for your gifts back.

It’s a small world

You will almost certainly see your ex at some other events. There are not that many of them that we can really avoid each other. So be a good sport about it and don’t do anything to make them uncomfortable around you or at events you’re both at. It’s probably best if you don’t really acknowledge them and just do your own things.

For a Good Relationship

It’s a sad truth that in American culture at least, no one really grows up learning how to be a good partner to the person they are dating. TV and media are terrible role models. They yell at each other from commercial to commercial just to raise ratings. They are “entertainment” and don’t model caring and loving relationships. They are not to be trusted. If you find yourself ever quoting a reality TV show, shut your mouth and apologize immediately.

I’ve included some tips in this section, and I will link a few good books at the end.

Be kind, and funny

A wicked sense of humor, and a kind smile, opened more pants than anything else ever did. Nothing makes people feel safe and loved like a partner who can smile and make jokes and be happy.

Doms especially, I’m talking to you. Fuck those stereotypes that make you think you’re supposed to be all intimidating and “an alpha”. It’s toxic masculinity and nonsense. Being able to laugh, including at yourself, will get you a much happier relationship than any amount of angry glares will.

Don’t ‘keep score’ or hold grudges

One of the worst examples I see all the time is folks in relationships “keeping score”. They are making sure to remember all the bad things their partner did to them in the past and constantly bringing them up again to show how terrible their partner is.

This is some toxic 💩. Stop it.

Learn how to forgive your partner when they learn from their past. Don’t hold onto it forever. And if you can’t forgive them, then don’t stay with them. Looking for things they did wrong in the past is just looking for reasons to be unhappy.

Don’t talk to each other when upset

One of the biggest determining factors in resolving disputes is simply talking to each other only while you’re calm. When you’re upset, the body reacts in many really unhelpful ways, including cutting back blood flow to the part of your brain that lets you talk your way through conflicts. Because a caveman’s brain doesn’t negotiate, it only bashes things with a rock. We don’t want to bash our partners with rocks. So we go to our respective quiet places until we are calm before we try to talk and resolve the issue. Just taking the time to calm down completely before you talk to your partner can change a fight into a gentle negotiation.

When it comes time to talk

There’s always going to be an imbalance of power between you and your submissive. And there’s always going to be a primal part of their brain that is on the verge of dropping into fight or flight mode. For these reasons, when it does become time for you to talk about whatever upsetting things happened, I offer these tips:

• Sit down (Don’t loom over your sub, that’s just terrifying)
• Talk calmly (If you feel your heart speed up, take a break in the conversation until it comes back down)
• Sit with your back to the wall, and let the sub be by the door (The primal part of their brain is looking for escape routes, so don’t block them. Offer them the safety of being able to walk out of the room without having to go past you to do it.)
• Talk with “I statements” (Google it up. But basically: “I am upset that you did X that made me feel Y” comes off as much less of an attack than “You did X”.)
• Focus more on not repeating it, than on what’s already past and unchangeable. (“OK, next time I want you to do X instead” is way, way more productive.)

Always tell the truth

This is really hard for people. Society tells us all the time to avoid confrontation or to tell people what they want to hear. You can’t do that anymore. Your sub or dom is relying on you to always tell them the truth. If the dress makes him look fat, then say it, but say it kindly: “I don’t think that one really suits you.”

If your sub’s breath is terrible in the morning, gently tell them to brush their teeth. (It’s far more constructive to just tell the sub what to do than to tell them something negative.) The sub will usually jump up and say “Yes Ma’am” and get right to it cutely. And then you can pat their head afterward and praise them for being a good sub.

But in a D/s relationship, we need to be the one voice of absolutely candid truth in our partner’s life. It’s what we use to negotiate. It’s how we know what’s a fun kink and what’s going to cause trauma. We have to learn to be absolutely candid with our partner.

Try to be more like the intern:

Autistic peeps, you fucking rock at this!
Keep telling everyone the truth.

Have rules

The submissive needs security and safety. To help provide this to them, they must know what’s allowed and what isn’t. This should be the subject of a lot of negotiation and definitely listen to the submissive when they tell you what they’d like to be able to do. There are a lot of things](relationships.md#things-to-negotiate) you should negotiate. Use that as the basis for making the list of rules. Remember to be fair and consistent in your application of the rules. And don’t use this as a means of setting ‘traps’ for your partner. Your goal as their dominant must always be to be their safe place. So don’t use a list of rules that are designed to get them in trouble or provide you with opportunities for ‘funishments’. (See no funishments.)

Personally, I make do with 3 simple rules:

1. Obey all orders, or tell me why you cannot. (Safewords, limits, etc are good reasons why not.)
2. Do not lie to me or withhold information that I should know.
3. No violence towards me or anyone in my circle.

Rules are for the sub’s benefit

When we make rules, beginner dominants will often think that the rules are for the benefit of the dominant. They are not. They exist for the submissive. In all of the submissive’s prior relationships, they have never really been sure what’s ok and what isn’t. Having rules that clearly state what is not ok, also defines what is ok. This acts as a fence to tell the sub the limits, which allows them to finally stop walking on eggshells and relax. Now they know what the limits are and they are free to enjoy anything that isn’t against the rules.

Have rituals

It doesn’t matter what the rituals are, so much as they exist. You should have rituals for everything! Rituals for sleeping, for eating, for napping, etc. Rituals give submissives certainty and remove the decision-making that they so dislike. Rituals tell you what you should do, and how. They give stability and remove the need to make decisions on many of the simple things a submissive does each day and week. It also lets them save their focus for the things where it matters.

I go over a lot of the rituals I use within my own House in that chapter.

Have a reward system

See Rewards.

Train your submissive

See Training.

Prohibited scopes

There are a few areas that I always consider to be entirely off-limits when it comes to my control over my submissive:

Family:

One’s family life is usually off-limits. A dom should never undertake any action to out a sub to their family or impact their relationship with family members in any way.

Career:

One’s professional life is likewise off-limits. A dom should never undertake any action to out a sub to their coworkers or negatively impact their career in any way.

Body mods:

Any kind of permanent marking such as piercings, tattoos, etc; are off limits to the dom. You should not alter their body in any way that won’t grow back. This is one of those things like tattooing your girlfriend’s name on your arm. It’s tacky, and almost always the tattoo outlives the actual relationship and you just regret it later. So save your sub the discomfort of this and don’t ask them to tattoo your name on them, and definitely don’t order them to. The marks of a relationship shouldn’t drastically outlive the relationship itself.

You can still have opinions

This doesn’t mean they don’t ask my opinion at times. They trust me to give them a meaningful answer to what I’d think if they got a certain tattoo, or had a new piercing. But in the end I make it clear it is their decision and I won’t be upset with the outcome, no matter what they choose.

Have a grievance system

Just as you have a way to punish your sub, they also need a way to let you know that something is really bothering them and it is time to sit and talk about something. And then you sit and talk about it and take them seriously. Do not just blow them off. You need to actually listen and let them tell you what’s bothering them and see it from their perspective. Do not dismiss your sub when they are presenting a grievance, or else the next time you hear about it will be as they are moving out.

In my own household, the female subs are not permitted to wear panties while they are running around. (It’s a house of kilts, sun dresses, and short skirts.) So to indicate that they are upset, they have ‘protest panties’ that they will wear to indicate their annoyance. It’s a playful, yet serious, way to indicate something needs to be talked about before it escalates. So if I find one of them in underwear, it usually means that I have hurt their feelings and owe them an apology for something. So I’ll sit down and ask them what’s bothering them. Then I listen and think about it from their perspective. Usually, they are correct. And if not, there’s something they didn’t know that I should have told them. But there’s always something there that I need to know and need to listen to.

Give the submissive some downtime

Subs must have some ‘off duty’ hours that they can spend how they wish. Maybe they use it for a hobby they choose and enjoy. Maybe that’s their social media time. Maybe they watch questionably gross videos on YouTube. Or start a fire in the firepit out back and read a book and look at the stars. Whatever it is, that’s their time to chill and decompress.

Have a secret non-verbal safeword gesture for use in public

Sooner or later your submissive is going to catch someone’s eye at a play party or event, and you’re going to have to deal with a properly worded request. You have to answer this on the submissive’s behalf.

If you don’t want to allow it, just give a polite but firm, “Sorry, not available” reply of some kind. But if you might allow it, you should be sure that the submissive is into it as well.

If you know in advance that she loves to be whored out to strangers at events, then by all means, whore her out.

But, what if you want to get your sub’s opinion without involving the person making the request? Have a non-verbal action of some kind for your sub to use when they wish to convey to you that they’d really want you to say “No” on their behalf. Maybe they suddenly have an itchy nose they need to scratch. Or they twirl one of their earrings. Something, anything, that the two of you have arranged in advance to mean “Sir, please say no to them.” Then you say “Sorry, not available” as if it had been your idea the entire time. And no one is the wiser that it was your submissive who called safeword on the idea.

Know when to give them a break

Sometimes you may need to take a break from your roles and be a supportive friend and lover. A sick submissive deserves pampering and soup brought to them. They deserve reassurance that they are not a bad sub for getting ill, it happens to us all. They can thank you later with an epic blowjob when they are feeling better. “Now drink your tomato soup and do you want one grilled cheese or two?”

Good books to read

• New Bottoming Book
• SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude
• Manual Creation
• The (new and improved) Loving Dominant

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Next: Read about my thoughts on poly

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