Sexual shame¶
I think that a lot of us carry around a ton of sexual shame and we carry that into our kink lives. In times past we actively rejected the idea that sexuality was something to be ashamed of, and would push back against this notion. (Remember, OG started out during the free love hippy movement.)
Over and over I get asked by people “What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve done?” and I will object to using ‘naughty’ as a term for BDSM play. They’ll come back with ‘dirtiest’ or ‘filthiest’, or some other negative word. And they won’t understand why I reject all such words for BDSM play.
No ‘funishments’¶
I don’t do ‘funishment’. For me, rules are serious things, and breaking one means you’re breaking a promise that you made to someone. Doing so would likely have significant consequences.
If you’d like your sex in a more aggressive, rougher fashion, look into power play or primal play.
Note: Something like a teacher/bad-student roleplay scene isn’t ‘funishment’, it’s just a roleplay, so, by all means, carry on.
‘Punishment’ implies/requires shame¶
Here, we glorify the act of submission, and bottoming, not shame it by calling it a ‘punishment’.
When you frame spanking as a ‘punishment’, you are also accepting the notion that spanking, and therefore kink, is a bad thing. (Much like being put in prison, or executed are bad things meant to be done to bad people.) And we don’t do bad things here. Only good ones. So if you want that spanking (and we know you do, you little slut), you need to be a good sub. When you’re a good sub, you can look up from your cushion on the floor and ask for the spanking you want to get as a reward, then be praised, told what a good sub you are for asking, and then told how you’ve earned this reward.
But more than the above, there’s a fundamental problem that it requires that BDSM be ‘taboo’ for it to be ‘hot’. Someone once described it as “because things that are forbidden are more interesting”. But when OG kink was a thing, it was also basically illegal and was until 2013. The DSM (big book that lists all mental disorders) listed BDSM as a serious mental illness and we had to fight for years to get that changed. Until then, people would lose their jobs, children, etc, for admitting they were kinky.
It took us decades of lobbying to get BDSM decriminalized and we’re clearly still working to overcome the stigma that is associated with sex. As a result, we developed a very, very strong aversion to any form of implication that wanting to do kinky things was abnormal or frowned upon. So when someone wants to say that BDSM should be taboo because that makes it ‘hotter’, we tend to have a very negative reaction.
Think about it like this: If BDSM is normalized as a wholesome, healthy behavior, as it is in my House and lifestyle, then I’m as likely to spank a bottom’s bottom, as I am to kiss them or gently pet their head. To me, these are all friendly forms of affection. I find no shame in spanking a random ass when I know it’ll be enjoyed, or grabbing her by the throat, bending her over the counter, and fingering her to a screaming orgasm. But if this level of kink is considered normal, then why would I do it to someone I was annoyed with? Normalizing kink replaces the ‘taboo’ thrill that some folks seem to want, with a healthier alternative of empowering them to confidently and boldly say “Spank me!”.
The power of overcoming shame¶
There’s a lot of sexual shame out there. A group I’m part of runs a weekly group where those who wish to overcome whatever shame they have around their sexuality can come and talk about it. It’s a very useful workshop for a lot of people. Overcoming their shame becomes a way for them to find happiness and pride in their lives, especially if their lifestyle of choice is outside the norms of their society.
There’s an amazing power in a submissive who can stand up and proudly say “Oh I fucking love to be spanked!” or “I love being bent over the counter and just fucked by my Owner without warning!” We try to encourage these subs and bottoms to find that voice and power.
Overcoming history¶
For those of us who lived before the decriminalization of kink (before 2013), it can be very offensive to label kink with negative words like ‘naughty’ or ‘dirty’ or ‘punishment’ as it harkens back to that era when we lived in legitimate fear of incarceration or loss of parental rights if anyone figured out we were kinky. A major way we pushed back against the argument that we needed to be punished for being kinky was by fighting back against the idea that there was nothing unwholesome about kink. (See safe, sane, consensual)
Conclusion¶
So I hope you understand where I’m coming from when, throughout this book, I try to point a path away from negative terms and towards a more liberated path to sexuality. I want you all to be able to proudly tell your partners that you like to spank or be spanked and be proud of your sexuality. I think you’ll find a lot of peace and happiness from overcoming sexual shame.
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