A Field Guide to the Wild Submissive¶
Title to be read in (Sir) David Attenborough’s voice.
“And here we have the wild submissive in it’s native habitat. There are many species and types of this amazing creature in the wild. So let’s quietly observe it for a while, and see how it behaves.
Submissives are, in the opinion of this dominant, some of the most amazing, friendly, caring, people you could ever hope to meet. It is my love of subs, and my love of negotiated relationships, that led me to OG culture and my immersion in it.
There’s a lot of really toxic crap online that subs are weak or to be bullied or bossed around because they are somehow lesser people than those that do the bossing. This is bullshit. Subs are amazing people, who are badly misunderstood by society.
We as dominants gain our happiness and joy from Owning subs and giving them safe structured relationships in which their natural desire for service is directed, encouraged, and praised.
Naturally occurring personality archetype¶
I hold the belief that submissives are a naturally occurring personality archetype that has always existed but is usually misunderstood. A sub isn’t a doormat or a child. They are an adult who wishes to make the world a better place. They feel an innate desire to help people. The fundamental feature that defines them is their desire to make life better for those around them.
It is a noble calling, not a source of weakness.
We call them ‘service subs’ to make clear that the focus of their life is their service to others. So you will see the term ‘service’, or possibly the capitalized version ‘Service’, a lot in this book.
Service defined¶
Service is any act that is done for the betterment of another. It is done to make another person’s life better and make that person happier. Service subs are people who have a calling of some kind to provide service to other people, and enjoy seeing those people happier as a result.
This is not the same as being a bottom. Subs may, or may not, also be bottoms or masochists. They might also be tops or especially service tops.
Historical Examples¶
Think of all the service-oriented professions out there:
- Butlers: Imagine Alfred from Batman if you’re into comics.
- Clergy: These are people dedicated to improving the lives of others and serving something they believe in.
- Cooks: Keeping people fed and creating tasty treats for them is absolutely a form of “service”.
- Nurses: A lot of nurses are submissives. They don’t want to be the ones making the decisions, but they want to help people and provide service to them. (Doctors tend to be dominants.)
- Soldiers: The original OG submissives were veterans. Specifically the enlisted men. (Officers usually became dominants.)
- Teachers: Also a very classic role for submissives.
Sexual service¶
Service can absolutely be sexual, but it also doesn’t need to be. Some subs very much enjoy their dominant making use of their body for sexual enjoyment and release. But many subs are just as content, or more content, with non-sexual forms such as the examples above.
If someone has ever told you that they want you to use their body to get yourself off, they are absolutely a service sub who’s into sexual service.
Common Traits¶
‘Common’ doesn’t mean ‘mandatory’
While I want to list a few common traits I often find in s-type folks, this is by no means a requirements list. This is just some observations from a life of living with subs that often had these traits. (And some did not. There’s no ‘wrong’ way to be.)
The need to serve¶
As mentioned above, this submissive we observe has a strong need to serve. To be useful to the person they have chosen to entrust and honor with their leash. As we mention, it can be sexual, but is almost always non-sexual as well. For example, a submissive may show their devotion by:
- Adapting their wardrobe choices to what their dominant would like to see them in. For some this may also take the form of offering to adopt piercings and/or tattoos of the dominant’s desire. (Be careful with permanent inking though, putting your name on someone curses the relationship in my experience.)
- Learning their dominant’s favorite foods and how to prepare them.
- Learning how to maintain their leather clothing, if any (This is the skill of ‘Bootblacking’)
- Learning their dominant’s routine, so they can be waiting by the door to remove their shoes when they get home, and hand them their favorite beverage.
- Picking up games or hobbies that they can share with their dominant.
Loves chicken nuggets¶
It just is. Like 95% of subs I’ve known. (Usually eaten with their hands and torn apart.)
This tends to be that they love and need their comfort foods, and so I suggest you keep a bag or two in your freezer at all times. (I find the space and dino shapes work really well.)
Will self-boop¶
If you’re not sure if someone is submissve and want a socially-acceptable way to find out, stick your finger about 1-2” from their nose and don’t say anything. The vast majority of the time a natural sub will lean in and touch their nose to your fingertip. They won’t know why, or even really realize it’s something they just did.
At which point you can probably pat them on the head and watch them be very confused and very happy.
Always apologizing¶
They tend to think that their very breathing is an inconvenience to everyone around them. And if you call this out, they’ll immediately apologize. If you point out they did nothing wrong, they will then apologize for apologizing. This quickly becomes an infinite loop. They have no idea what they did, but it must be wrong in some way and the faster they apologize, the better. (It’s usually best to tell them “there’s nothing to apologize for” to avoid this infinite loop.)
It can (will) take years for you to train them out of this and teach them that they don’t need to do this. It’ll feel weird and strange to not be apologizing all the time at first. But as they grow in confidence, and grow more comfortable, you’ll see that they are walking on eggshells a lot less often. And it’s very likely they will never stop entirely, but hopefully it will reduce drastically. Which brings us to…
Usually walking on eggshells all the time¶
Yes, they are usually tiptoeing through life, afraid of offending people. They’ve often been yelled at a lot about it. (And likely have at least one abusive family member who enjoys being shitty to them and blaming them.) As a result they tend to be walking on eggshells all the time.
Again, this is something that a good Owner will work with them on to teach them that they now live in a safe environment where that won’t be needed any more.
Personally, I find that empowering my submissive, and helping them realize what a badass they usually are, is a joy. Seeing them as they grow to be proud, confident, and walk like a fucking badass (if you buy them the right boots) is such a pleasure and always leaves me smiling with pride. The evolution from scared animal, to prideful sexual beast is amazing.
Possible trauma, PTSD, etc
Sadly, a lot of s-types have some kind of traumatic past, and may have PTSD or similar issues. If you find them flinching when you move your hand to pet their head, make note of this, and let them know it’s ok. Then learn to move more slowly around them and get them to understand that you will never, ever raise your hand to them in anger. (If you do, I’m taking your crop away.) See more about this in the Punishment section.
Collects something¶
It’s pretty common that most subs you’ll meet have a collection of something that is precious to them. Stuffed animals are common with subs of the ‘little’ archetype. Pet toys with the ‘pet’ archetype. Maybe just Lego sets or Gunpla with more engineering-minded subs. (I once dated a sub who was into customizing and painting Breyer model horses. And she had pedigree forms with names and lineages for them. She’d add real horse hair to them, etc.)
If they do, you need to praise and respect them for it. (And don’t let them call it ‘childish’. There’s nothing wrong with wanting comfort and soft things.)
If you’re very lucky, then the sub will offer to tell you the names of all of their stuffies, for example, and what each one is like. If this happens, then I promise you there will be a test on it later, so memorize what they tell you like it’s the most important quiz in your life. Of course, if you forget that Mr. Snuffles likes Camomile, they will reassure you that “it’s fine. No big deal” while inside their heart is breaking and they now see you as one more person who didn’t listen because they are just a bother, and they are stupid. But if you get it right, and remember what they tell you, then you will be like unto a god to them. You will have validated them in a way they’ve likely never had before. They might spontaneously climax with joy. You will make them feel loved, and special, and precious. So memorize the fucking stuffies’ names!
Stuffies are people too!
“Stuffies are people too!” — Angel (s-type who helped me proofread this section)
Needs¶
So, we’ve defined and given examples of service subs. What is it that they need to be happy and safe?
To be praised¶
Every success should be celebrated. And ritualized. When they bring you a meal or a coffee, pat their head and say ‘good boy/girl/pet/slut’. (Whatever term they like most) Make sure you don’t forget. Train them that they are not allowed to walk away without a head pat and praise. If they start to walk off, go ‘ahem’ and call them back and remind them to always stay long enough to get the praise they have earned.
I don’t mean that you should gush insincerely. Don’t mistake a sandwich for a 7-course meal. But do give a nod and say “Good sandwich. Thank you” after you’ve sampled a bite.
If you’re anything like me, the smile they’ll give you for that simple praise is a magical, wonderful, addictive little thing. You’ll get in the habit of doing it just to collect their little smiles and blushes.
To be useful¶
The most important is to be able to feel useful. They need a career, a relationship, or both, that allows them to channel their need to provide service.
If they are only responsible for themselves, they won’t take care of themselves. But if you ask them to work out, take their meds, or drink water for their dominant then they will do it. Because now it’s something being done for someone else.
To be told how to be useful¶
The life of a service sub is made way easier when someone tells them what it is that will be the most helpful thing they can do.
In cases where nothing will fix the problem, they must still be given something to do that will make things at least a little bit better. For example, if their dominant is ill and needs to rest, the sub should be told to bring soup, leave it by the bedside, and then go work on filing away some papers that need to be done. Being given a task that will directly help their chosen dominant will help them immensely. And then being told what to do with the rest of their time will keep them from being idle and worrying.
I remember once being asked by a classmate of my sub at the time, “How do you deal with her OCD?”. I smirked and replied, “I give her a list of the things I want to be done.” Her friend looked like I’d just told her the most profound thing she’d ever heard. It’d never occurred that such behaviors could be channeled, and shaped into useful activities.
An idle sub is an anxious sub.
Execution over decision-making¶
The dominant should focus on minimizing the decision-making that their submissive needs to perform. They can make decisions of course, but they don’t enjoy it. (Decision fatigue is a well-documented condition in almost all people.) So when you give your submissive a task, make sure they understand it. Ask them to repeat it back to you. Or write down the steps for them if it’s particularly complex. You may need to do little branches in the instructions if there might be complications. And you should always be available to answer any questions the sub may have about what you want to be done.
If you submissive asks you to choose their clothing or foods for them, this is both an act of service for you, as well as a request to reduce the amount of decision making they are required to so. So it can be a win/win for both of you. As such I urge you to take these requests seriously.
Ask for opinions¶
If you want to get information out of a submissive, always ask them if they have any opinion on the given topic. And if they say they have none, then take them at their word and trust that they do indeed not care. (And if they do later say they had an opinion, don’t get upset, just order them to voice it the next time you ask.)
For example, instead of asking “What do you want for dinner?” or “What do you want for Christmas?”, ask “Are you in the mood for any specific food?” or “What’s your favorite color?” and then just pick for them with the information that they give you.
Submissives like being asked for their opinion. It shows that you care. They do not like being asked to make decisions. You ask, and then you decide.
Ask for enjoyment, not permission¶
When talking to a submissive that is not owned by you, never ask them to do something for you. Never ask if you can touch them. (This sounds counterintuitive, but bear with me here.) What you should do instead is ask them if they’d like whatever it is you’re offering.
The wording of asking to do something to them puts a lot of subtle pressure on them to say yes. Because they think it’s something that you want for yourself. And that messes with their motivation center and you’ll never get an honest answer. You need to instead word the questions as research into their desires, and then be okay with whatever you find out and respect it.
Personally, I always ask in two parts. First a general without myself in the question, and then a specific follow-up with myself in it. And stop immediately if either answer is anything less than an unqualified “Yes”.
For example, imagine that a submissive, who is not your submissive, has just brought you a nice cup of tea. You wish to praise them for it. But you don’t have their consent to touch them. Do not ask “Can I pat your head?” That puts them in a bind and you’ll see them be uncomfortable and say “yes” because they want to make you happy. Instead, start by asking the general question, “Do you like head pats?” This puts a lot less pressure on them. It isn’t a question about you, it’s about them. It shows your respect and interest in their comfort and preferences. If they say anything other than “Yes”, assume they said “No”. A “sometimes” is a “no”. A “maybe” is a “no”. A hesitation is a “no”. If you get a no, then nod to them in respect, and thank them for the tea. But if they say “Yes” eagerly and promptly, follow up with the second question: “Would you like it if I patted your head for this excellent cup of tea you’ve just given me?”. If you get a second eager yes, then you’ve just offered them something they are allowed and would very much want. So pat their head. Gently. Then sip your tea and make happy noises about how good it is.
Subs belonging to someone else
If you know that a sub belongs to someone else, for most things you should address the dominant of the sub, not the submissive directly. Praise is probably okay, as is maybe a head pat. But anything more than that, you should talk to their Owner and have it go through them. This is doubly true for any request to touch the sub beyond a head pat. Triply true for possibly playing with the sub.
A sub of mine was handing me a drink at a party I was hosting. Someone else tried to tell her to get him a drink. She looked at him square in the face, smirked, and said “I may be a slave, but I’m not your slave.” I almost fell over laughing. I was so proud of her.
Structure and consistency¶
Going with the prior requirements, subs thrive in a world of expectations and predictability.
One element of this is letting them plan out their day. All of my submissives have loved to have a planner and put all their tasks down there where they can see what’s expected of them and plan out their week. (Jetpens.com is great for these kinds of things, especially if your sub loves Japan, office supplies, or both.)
But perhaps the most important predictability is you, their dominant. You need to be predictable and reliable. Dominants, like the officers we model ourselves after, need to learn to disconnect how they are doing on any given day from how they treat and talk to their submissive. Being angry doesn’t justify yelling at your sub. (Especially if the sub isn’t the reason you’re angry.) Instead, work to find ways to let them comfort and calm you when you need it. They will be very happy to give you a back rub, or your favorite mixed drink, or just curl up around your legs and watch TV with you.
For example: If you’re irritated from a day at work, do not take that out on your submissive. They are not human punching bags when you have a bad day at work. If you need that, go buy a real punching bag. Your sub is there to comfort you and sit in your lap, with you petting their head, as you talk about your crappy day at work.
Your sub should always be good at predicting how you’ll respond. If they are not, then that may be a warning sign to you that you’re being dangerously unpredictable and need to look within yourself.
To be trained, and punished¶
To do the right things, a sub must be taught what is the ‘right’ thing in your House. You need to take time to teach them what’s ‘right’ for you, and not be upset when they don’t know. (See accept when you are wrong for more details.)
Sometimes the submissive will need to be punished. For their benefit, not out of any anger on your part. See the training guide for details.
Proximity to their dominant¶
Submissives love to be near their dominant. I work from home and I keep a small mattress near my desk so that my sub can take naps with me in my home office and sleep near me while I work from home. They are out of sight of my camera for meetings, and no one knows they are down there while I am on Zoom calls.
Subs need sub friends¶
It is very important for the health of your sub that they not be isolated. Encourage them to have lots of other submissive friends. It helps them to be a part of a healthy, supportive community of other subs. It gives them folks to talk to who are sharing their experience.
To be loved¶
But most of all, you need to love your submissive. (Yes, even if it’s in a non-sexual way. Find some brotherly love or something for them.)
Like all of us, the submissive is a human being in need of love and affection. They are giving of their time, their labor, their heart, and their body, all to please you. Loving them back really is the least thing you can do for them. It will make them the happiest person in the world. And their smile will be like the sun coming out and warming your soul in return.
I wish you the best.
❤️🔥
Next: Read about the Leather dominant archetype
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