Training a Submissive¶

What we don’t mean

I’ve seen a lot of content online that seems to think that ‘training’ is about sexual things, like getting used to anal sex or such. That’s not what we’re talking about here. This is a guide to service subs, and we’re talking about how to encourage service and properly reward it.

Fear or Love¶

First off, there are two classic routes to getting people to do what you say. Fear, or love. The former is, frankly, the route of dictators, governments, and assholes. I’m no good at that method since I’m none of those things. So I’ve always gone for inspiring obedience through love. (With a side of enlightened self-interest, but more on that later.)

So, let’s be realistic. Your sub isn’t actually a slave you bought at auction and you can’t just beat them whenever you like. The only way they are going to do what you tell them to or stay with you at all, is if fundamentally, they wish to. No quantity of yelling, threats, grand ultimatums, or tantrums on your part is going to make them actually want to do what you tell them to. It might work for a day or a week, but not for long. If you go that route, they’ll eventually leave you, and possibly the scene entirely. So take your ego, and lock it in a box for a while, and let’s get down to the gritty of how to make them happy and excited to do what you say.

Love your Sub¶

Or at least cherish them. Everything that follows is going to be based on the notion that you adore them and want them to adore you. If you just put up with them, maybe you should reconsider your relationship.

Operant conditioning¶

We’re going to be getting them to behave with what people call operant conditioning. i.e. Lots of positive reinforcement (praise, rewards), and rare negative reinforcement (punishment).

Quote

This form of conditioning was most famously studied by B.F. Skinner using the Skinner’s Box with rats and birds. — Angel (s-type who helped me proofread this section)

Tip

The absence of punishment is not a ‘reward’. It’s neglect. Think about that until it clicks.

Start small, and practical¶

I like to start my new submissive’s training with morning coffee. For the first couple of weeks, it is me gently nudging them to wake up and make coffee for me. I have a wickedly cool one-button machine, so all they have to do is drag their bottom out of bed and go push the button. Preferably with a cup under the bit where the coffee falls out first.

All the praise¶

Term of Endearment

I use ‘’ below to mean ‘girl’, ‘boy’, ‘kitty, ‘puppy’, ‘pet’, ‘chaos pixie’, ‘fuck puppet’, or whatever term of endearment you use for your sub. Whatever they like to be called, fill it in below.

Every time you get that coffee, tell them that they are a good . Kiss them gently on the ear, and whisper “Good ”. Every. Single. Time. Do not get lazy. Do not assume they know. Make them hear it. Make them acknowledge it by saying “Thank you.” Don’t let them say it is nothing. They are doing what you told them to do, and they need to bask in the “Good ” and know that it is sincere and genuine. They will really start to look forward to that. Humans are sponges for affection from the ones we love. We crave it. So give it to them.

Patience¶

You’ve got a day job. They probably do too. They are not going to be able to do a complex tea ceremony every day, and definitely not on the first try. Complex rituals take time to learn. Possibly months. Don’t expect them to pick it up all at once.

Be realistic about your time¶

Every ritual you make up will require you to acknowledge it. They are doing these things to get your praise. So you have to be present in these actions enough to inspect them in some way. Look over their list when you get home, make sure everything is checked off, and see that things are how you like. Then tell them “Good .” If you make big elaborate lists, you’ll rapidly find that you don’t have the time to inspect all of them. And if you get sloppy with the “Good ” moments, they’ll get sloppy in doing the work. (Crappy reward makes for crappy motivation.) So be reasonable with how much stuff you can inspect.

What to teach your sub?¶

I know a lot of folks probably expect a lot of sexual stuff here, and indeed there are things in this way you may want to teach your sub. But also think about life skills, and about being a lifetime companion to you, their Dom. What would they be able to learn to make your life better?

Cooking skills (Community college might teach chocolate making…)
Physical exercise (some kind of sport or martial arts)
Self-defense (Again, martial arts is good)
Booking travel online (For when you travel)
Managing a household schedule
Meal planning and meal prepping for the week
Computer skills like programming or digital art
Managing a collection you might have
An artistic skill (Jewelry making, painting, etc…)
A trade of some kind (to support themselves if you break up)
First Aid, CPR
Diving certification (PADI open water is a good one)
Massage therapy
That they shouldn’t say “sorry” constantly for things that are not their fault or that are not a thing they did wrong

Though this isn’t to say there are not some sexual skills one can ask a sub to learn. While mostly the enjoyment of sex is the enthusiasm for it you bring to the table, there are some learnable skills.

Deep throating a dildo/cock (Easier without tonsils, but still possible)
Kagel exercises to better grip and hold things
Proper flogging and impact use (If they will be asked to top occasionally)

Community College

While a lot of the above skills you can pick up online, sometimes it is worth signing up for a community college class instead. The structure, set time, etc, may work well for many subs. And there are very inexpensive, or even free, classes for adults at most community colleges. Cooking, art, massage, etc are all there and very accessible. So get a copy of the schedule of a college close to you and take a look. You might be surprised or inspired by what you find available.

Punishment¶

Why punish at all?¶

If you’ve done the first half of the training right, your sub loves or at least adores you. They want your praise. When they know they have disappointed you, it’s a knife right into their heart. They’ll probably hurt themselves, physically or emotionally, if you don’t provide them with an outlet. They need catharsis. So by controlling the punishment, you’re making sure they don’t self-administer something much worse. By making sure they know they are now forgiven, you remove the emotional weight that might push them to hurt themselves. You are helping them to heal. You do this because you love them, not because you are angry with them.

Often this self-harm won’t be overt, or conscious. The sub will start to scratch at their skin, hang their head, be depressed, or start pinching at themselves. Subs have dozens of little ways to hurt themselves because they feel that unresolved guilt inside themselves.

And if you just wave your hand and say “Don’t worry about it.” you’re not doing them any favors. You’re just dismissing their guilt without resolving it. And that makes it worse. So take your sub’s guilt seriously, and understand that managing that guilt is part of your responsibility as their Owner.

When is punishment deserved?¶

Sometimes a sub will promise to do something, and then forget or be unable to accomplish it. If they had a good reason for being unable to do the task or follow the order, then you should accept it and no punishment is warranted. But “I forgot” or “I didn’t want to” isn’t a good reason.

So essentially the only reason is that the sub promised to do a thing (or not do a thing) and then didn’t keep their word. (And there was no reasonable extenuating circumstance to justify it.)

Keep in mind that they almost certainly didn’t mean to disappoint you. And the knowledge that they did is going to be a huge weight on them until you help relieve it. Assuming the transgression is minor, you’re going to forgive them for it and so try to get over your upset. (If the transgression wasn’t minor and you can’t actually forgive them, then it’s just time to break up.)

Subs are not psychic¶

They may appear magical at times, but subs can’t read your mind. Don’t ask them to. They will do what you’ve trained them to, but you can’t get upset about what they ‘should’ have done if you don’t actually tell them to do it. If you forget, then you only get to be upset with yourself. Learn from it, and update their orders accordingly.

Like everything else that happens in a D/s relationship, the punishment must be negotiated, the punishment given, and then the aftercare begins. In other words, it is a scene. So treat it as such.

Method of punishment¶

Come up with a punishment ritual. It needs to be something actually unpleasant, not a play punishment. But it also shouldn’t be too harsh or abusive. There’s an ideal middle ground that is quick, unpleasant, and not damaging. Make sure your submissive agrees to it and sees that it is a reasonable form of punishment. Don’t spank them for being bad if they like it. That’s just encouraging misbehavior.

Common punishments in my relationships have commonly started off pretty mild. Just a quick sharp flick of the tip of their ear is often enough. For more severe punishments, I usually use 2 or 4 swats with a painful toy like a cane or a braided rope.

Punishment should never be enough to damage of course, since we don’t want to abuse our sub. But enough that it hurts, possibly to the point of tears.

Prohibited forms of punishment¶

I’ve heard of people withholding their affection, or saying things like “Affection is earned”. This is abuse. You love your sub and you should show this at all times. Your love and affection are not conditional and should never be presented as such.

Additionally, punishment should not be the withdrawal of previously-earned rewards, gifts, etc. That just makes you a jerk who doesn’t give things without strings attached. Gifts are gifts, and not your’s to claim back whenever you want to. (See the Reward section for more info.)

Punishment needs to be physical.

No fucking ‘lines’¶

Don’t assign writing lines as a punishment. It isn’t effective and just makes submissives hate the idea of writing. One of the greatest inventions humans ever came up with, and some doms will ruin it for their subs, traumatizing them to the point where they will need therapy just to ever be able to pick up a pencil and write.

Don’t be that dom.

Don’t punish when angry¶

If I am upset at all, I’ll send them to the bedroom or their cage to sit until I calm down. Only after I am calm, will I punish them. I never do it when angry. They will be fidgeting and getting worked up during this, so try not to take too long. You’re going to forgive them in the end, so get past your anger and understand they didn’t actually mean to make you angry.

Once I’m calm, I can continue.

Make sure the sub agrees they did a bad¶

I bring them to me and make sure to explain why I’m unhappy with them. We talk about it until we both agree that they did wrong. Maybe I didn’t see it how they did, and they don’t actually deserve punishment. But we can’t continue until they’ve agreed that they have earned the punishment. If you can’t convince them, then likely they don’t deserve it. They are usually their own worst critic, and failing you terrifies them. So if they don’t believe they did, then likely they didn’t.

Administer it¶

Now that the sub has agreed to the punishment, and that it is warranted, you may proceed to the painful part. Do it quickly and get it over with.

Aftercare¶

The absolute most important thing now is to hold them, and say “I forgive you.” You have to actually mean it too. You don’t get to be pissed off later about it. You’ve punished them. It’s over. Hold them, kiss them, let them cry, and tell them that they are completely forgiven. Then get them some ice cream for being a good sub.

Next: Read about rewarding a submissive

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